Aug 11, 2022 4 min read

Q. I read your column about the college student who decided to leave her mom and my heart hurt for her. I remember. My mother was a toxic person in my life. She told me I was fat in high school when I weighed 90 pounds. She told me I was too stupid to go to college (I went anyway). She constantly berated me and put me down. Thank God my grandparents were part of my life. They were affirming, supporting, and loving – everything my mother was not. You were also like a mother to me, although I don’t know if you realized it. You affirmed my worth.

I didn’t have the strength to separate from my mother until I met my husband. He was shocked by her treatment of me. When we married, we moved out of state. I didn’t have the courage to tell her I wanted to put as much distance between us as I could.

Now I’m pregnant with our first child. I am already in love with this baby girl, but I’m scared. What if I parent the way I was parented? I cannot bear the thought of my sweet baby living with a mother like mine. Is it possible to be different than my primary role model? I’ve read about “flipping the script” and parenting differently. Do you think I can do it?

– 32-year-old but still your student

Mary Jo’s Response: Definitely. You are already determined to parent with intention and love. You can consciously decide to parent differently and make it happen.

I’ve been honored to support young parents since the 1970s. I’ve learned age does not determine positive parenting. Many of the teens I’ve mentored did not experience supportive parents, yet they were able to, as you say, “flip the script.” Yes, my friend, you can do this.

Here are some hints:

1. Trust your instincts. No one will know your baby as well as you. You’ve got this.

2. Check yourself. Parenting with intention means we consider our choices. It doesn’t mean we’re perfect – no parent is – but it does mean we are brave enough to admit when we make a mistake.

3. Actions are important. More than words, children model what they see. If they see you react with kindness and integrity, they will seek those character traits. If you strive to remain calm, they will emulate your behavior.

4. Affirm your little one. Self-worth and self-esteem are dripped into children, day by day.

5. Articulate the obvious. Say I love you in both words and actions. Tell your baby how happy you are to be her mom.

6. Listen to hear. Talk with your little one, not at her.

7. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself if/when you slip. Learn from mistakes and start over.

8. Communicate with your husband. You made this baby together, parent together.

9. Measure your words well. Speak to your child with respect, using a warm, loving tone.

10. Seek joy every day. Find fun things to do, play with your child, sing and cook together and go outside for walks. This is life and seeing it through your baby’s eyes is glorious.

I’m pleased you connected with me. My students are always my students, no matter their ages.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.