Aug 22, 2022 3 min read

Knowledge is power. Unfortunately, the trivial facts stuck in my cerebellum couldn’t fuel a 10-watt bulb for 10 seconds. My brain looks like the insides of your neighbor’s garage. It’s filled with tangled Christmas lights, moth-eaten lace tablecloths and a teddy bear missing one of his black button eyes. Because of all the junk in my gray matter, I have no room for the important stuff.

I’m having a garage sale of the mind. All these useless facts must go! Perhaps if I share them, they will fly off into the ether, and I will have space for important information like my bank account number and my nephew’s birthday.

Let’s roll:

A Greek man in Canada invented the Hawaiian pizza. Sam Panopoulos slapped ham and pineapple on a pizza and named it after the tropical paradise. He was nowhere near Waikiki Beach at the time. Personally, I don’t believe fruit goes on pizza. I like to eat my pineapple straight out of the can as God and nature intended.

Here’s an actual Hawaiian fact: Hawaii moves 7.5 centimeters (nearly three inches) closer to Alaska every year. I didn’t even know they were friends.

Ted Hastings, another Canadian, wore 260 T-shirts at once, achieving the record in the Guinness Book of World Records. He beat the previous winner, Ted Hastings (himself!), when he wore 257 T-shirts. I know it’s cold in Canada, but that’s a lot of layers.

The inventor of Pringles was buried in a Pringles can. When Fredric Baur – the organic chemist and food storage specialist – died, a portion of his ashes were poured into the iconic snack food tube. In an odd twist, his siblings debated on which flavor to use. In Time Magazine, it is reported that his son Larry said, “Look, we need to use Original,” ending the discussion.

Let’s face it, barbecue would have been in bad taste.

Side note: They should bury the whole family in Pringles’ cans, compressing the ashes together, stacked on top of each other.

But I digress, like I do. Dispensing these useless facts is like eating Pringles chips. Once I pop, I can’t stop.

Komodo dragons can reproduce sexually or asexually; even Komodo dragons think Komodo dragons are ugly. Also, they can grow to be as big as a Toyota Camry, which is another reason why they’re not finding dates.

The doll, Barbie, has a full name. It is Barbara Millicent Roberts. That’s what is says on her license. Barbie needs to keep her license up to date in case she gets pulled over by GI Joe when she’s speeding along in her plastic, pink Corvette.

Did you know that Barbie and her boyfriend, Ken, broke up in 2004? They got back together again in 2011. I blame it on that time she hooked up with GI Joe to avoid getting that speeding ticket.

Dr. Seuss invented the word “nerd” in his 1950 book, “If I Ran The Zoo,” which is what you call a person who would know this.