Aug 25, 2022 3 min read

Note: I receive so many current questions about friendship, I was curious. I went back into my archives and found this column from 2007. It seems the stress of finding friends is unchanged. I added information about our Teen Center, which opened in 2008.

Q. How do you know when someone is really your friend? If you talk with someone at school but never any other time does that count? If you talk with someone only online does that count? What if someone is nice to you to your face but you hear that bad things are said behind your back? How do you make good friends? Most of the time I feel like I don’t have any real friends. – 13-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: You ask how to tell if someone is your friend. I think the definition of friendship depends on what you want from the relationship. You certainly can be friends with someone at school, even if you don’t have contact with that individual any other time. Online friendships are more challenging, especially since honesty isn’t always part of an online experience. Ask yourself what you want in a friendship – and what you’re willing to give. Friendship is a two-way street.

Making friends involves reaching out to others. A good friend wouldn’t talk about you behind your back, nor should you betray a friend’s confidence. The first step to making friends involves thinking of others. Pay attention to other people. Don’t think only about yourself. Join youth groups at school or at church or synagogue. Here are some hints:

Smile and show kindness: People are naturally drawn to those who are pleasant and fun to be around.

Make other people feel important: Be genuine and sincere. Be respectful. Listen.

Be yourself: Pretending to be someone else to make friends isn’t smart.

Stay strong: Select friends carefully. Peer pressure is real. Don’t do anything that feels wrong to you just to make friends – or to keep them. Real friends will not expect you to compromise your beliefs.

A lot of people feel lonely at times. You’re worthy of good friends. Don’t give up. Our Common Ground Teen Center is open Monday through Friday from 4 to 8 p.m. We are located at 92 N. Main St. in Washington, and we offer Cooking Club, Art and Anime Club, Peer Education, Games Night, and many more fun activities. You are very welcome to join us.

Peer Educators’ Response: You know when someone is your friend when you feel accepted as you are. People you only talk with – in person or online – are acquaintances, not friends. We think that friendships at your age are tough. Everyone is going through changes and trying out new things. Don’t rush things. You will eventually figure out who you want to hang out with. Real friends support you when you’re sad and aren’t embarrassed to be around you. People who talk behind your back don’t respect you and aren’t real friends. The best way to make new friends is to respect other people – listening to them, caring for them, and being true to the friendship. Friends are like flowers – if you don’t take care of them, they will wilt and die.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.