Dec 8, 2022 3 min read

Q. When is the right age to have sex? I honestly want to know. I don’t have a person who wants to have sex with me yet, but I’d kind of like to be ready. – 17-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I’ve received so many questions like yours in the last decades!

First, each person is different. There’s no one “right age” to have sex. Sex before you’re ready, sex with someone you don’t trust or respect (or who doesn’t trust or respect you), or sex that happens due to pressure, can be stressful.

It’s important to know yourself. Here are some things to consider:

1. What do you want? Is sex something you really want, or are you being talked into it? Sex shouldn’t be a rite of passage or something done to fit in.

2. Do you trust and respect your potential partner? Do you feel respected and trusted by this person?

3. Do you understand consent? Consent means each person says yes without coercion or being talked into anything.

4. Are you able to communicate with your potential partner? Discussing ways to prevent an unwanted pregnancy should occur before some types of sexual contact.

5. How do you feel about your potential partner? Too often people equate sex and love. A person can have sex and not be in love; a person can love another person deeply but not have sex or even feel sexual attraction. Sex and love can happen together, but they are not typically the same.

6. Are you old enough to accept responsibility for your actions? I know adults who use teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) to scare teens into avoiding sex. Those realities are consequences, of course, but few people talk about how relationships can change after sex, and not always for the better. Relationships are complicated. Are you mature enough to handle these responsibilities?

7. Do you know your values? If you’ve been raised with a moral standard that prioritizes waiting to have sex for religious or other reasons, guilt and shame could follow an encounter. Figure out what you believe first.

8. What would your family say? If you’re afraid to tell them, how would you react if they find out?

9. Do you know your comfort level with your own body?

10. Do you want to be in a committed relationship? Does your potential partner? It’s a good idea to discover each other’s values about sex and relationships first.

Be wise, be self-aware, and be responsible.

I’m so very glad you asked your question. I’m here if you want to continue talking. I know you’ll make the right choice for you.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.