Jan 6, 2022 3 min read

Q. How could I tell my parents I no longer believe in their faith? I had doubts in high school, but I’m not much of a rebel, so I just went along with what I was expected to do.

In college, I began to see other ways of seeing things.

It’s not that I reject their church as much as I reject the way the people in the church treat others. There’s so much hate for anyone who is different. I could lie to my family and go through the motions, but I’m not a hypocrite.

I spoke with my grandma, who is my most logical relative. She was understanding, which gives me courage to go to my parents. I don’t want to hurt them. I leave for college in a week. I’d like to clear the air. I don’t like keeping this from them. What do you think? Should I be honest?

19 year old

Mary Jo’s Response: You’ve thought about your dilemma carefully. I sense keeping this change from your parents is stressful to you. While you are now an adult and certainly can make a choice to hide your new feelings, I respect your instinct to be honest. Lying is not a good foundation for relationships, especially family ones.

Let’s analyze how you might approach your parents. I agree, you should avoid hurting them. Pulling away from their faith could not only make them worry about you spiritually, it may make them wonder if they did something to cause your change. You’ve shared it was not your church that distressed you, but the behavior of some church members. How do you think your parents would react if you shared this truth with them? Be clear about your motives and do not blame your parents.

I was raised by a deeply spiritual man.

My papa was down to earth, humble and very open to my questions as I grew. When I asked him about something troubling in church, he shrugged and said people make mistakes and people in church are still just people. I wonder if your parents would understand your concerns if you frame them as you did with me.

Many young people question belief systems as they mature. Your thoughts about sharing with your parents show me you are a person who values relationships and communication. I hope your parents are like your grandma and love you as you are.

It is important for you to find your own way. Our peer educators’ responses reinforce your need for independence. Remember, you are a person of great worth.

Peer Educator Response: Religion is all about your personal beliefs, not someone else’s. Someone who relies on others to decide their faith for them will never truly be as religious as those who find their own beliefs. We all might change beliefs over time, we cannot keep our childhood forever. You should absolutely tell your parents and it is completely normal to feel nervous about sharing. When you feel comfortable telling them, tell them. Your beliefs matter as much as theirs do and they need to respect that, just as you respect them. In the end, it is your own beliefs and happiness that matter. At the end of the day, you have to be you, so do that.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.