Jul 5, 2022 3 min read

I had a bit of trouble writing my column last week. Normally, I fly right through these things. But after struggling to come up with an idea for a few days, I started to believe that my column ideas had been stolen.

I ran this theory past several of the people I depend on to proofread and check my topics. Most of them said that, given that I’m a very stable columnist, my ideas surely had been stolen. But a few said that it just wasn’t so, that I had absolutely no proof that my ideas had been pilfered and that I should just move on. I replaced those people.

I also held a day of meetings with the family members who vet my column ideas. After their feedback, I was thoroughly convinced that my ideas were being held in a new computer that I’d recently purchased – a computer, I might add, that my senior staff said without a doubt could be easily manipulated to change the outcome of my typing.

That’s when I decided to reach out to my supporters. I started by sending out emails saying that if my column wasn’t up to snuff this week, my enemies had rigged it to make it seem like the ravings of a megalomaniacal narcissist. I’m neither, of course: I never have been and never could be because, let me assure you, I have the highest Mensa score ever recorded.

After my tweet, I heard from a few key members of CRACKPOT (Column Research and Coordination Korps Policing Outright Theft), who promised to organize a huge rally to take place in Washington, Pa. I really, really wanted to be at that rally. No one in the history of mankind has ever wanted more to be at a rally. But my Uber driver refused to take me. He said it probably wasn’t a good idea and that he’d take me home instead to enjoy Freedom Fries with ketchup and Liberty Ale of the 4th of July. This angered me. I guess I blacked out.

I’m not sure what happened next. A couple of the staff I fired are saying that I grabbed the wheel of the KIA he was driving and forced it to swerve into a ditch. This is Fake News. But I can assure you that even if were true, I most likely swerved to avoid colliding with a busload of supporters on the way to the rally.

Well, by now you know what happened. Several hundred thousand of my supporters mistakenly traveled to Washington, W.Va. I believe this was part of a coordinated effort by Google, Waze and other mapping services to tamper with GPS coordinates, somehow restricting them to affect only the devices used by my loyal supporters. There’s also the very real possibility that this was all planned decades ago.

Accordingly, I’ve authorized a commission to be formed under the watchful eye of my personal lawyer. This Blue Ribbon panel will determine the legality of allowing there to be more than one city named Washington.

I’ll be tweeting their findings soon on my own new social media platform, AllAboutMe.Com.