Jul 21, 2022 3 min read

Q. How can I help my parents to say no? They get involved in so much and then they’re exhausted. I get that it’s important to help our community, but it feels like they get taken advantage of too much.

– 16-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Saying no can be tough, especially when the request for time or effort deals with a cause we support.

I’d like to share some ways to say no. Time is precious, and no one should be taken advantage of. Pass this column on to your parents; the information may also be helpful to you in time.

First, I confess I’m not great at saying no. Serving young people is one of the greatest joys in my life, surpassed only by time spent with my grandchildren. If a teen asks me to do something, I try to do it. Still, there are times when declining an offer to serve on a nonprofit board of directors, teach a pro bono seminar, or be on a committee, is necessary. There are only so many hours in a day. It is also important to be valued. I commit to one free workshop for every one I teach for an honorarium, but I am at the point in my life where I can do this. Labor should be compensated unless it is clearly agreed to be voluntary.

Here are some hints I’ve discovered to help set limits and boundaries when asked to overextend oneself.

Be clear and concise: Do not waffle or leave room for negotiation. “I’m honored to be asked, but I’m not able to serve.” You can leave the door open for another opportunity (if you want) and you clarify your firm position. “No, I cannot.”

Be kind and polite: A spoonful of sugar does make the medicine go down. “Your conference sounds wonderful. I’m sorry I’m not able to attend as a speaker. I hope it goes well.”

Give genuine reasons: It is important to be upfront. For example, if I am asked to teach a workshop and I cannot fit it into my schedule, I should not say, “Thank you for thinking of me; this is a very busy week so I’m not able to teach it.” Unfortunately, that leaves room for the request to become open-ended to “How’s a month from now?” If you genuinely want to decline, do not act as if another time works.

Offer an alternative: If a group is seeking volunteer time and you are already too busy, but you know a friend who is passionate about their cause, suggest someone else. Please be respectful and check with your friend or colleague before mentioning a name.

Be honest: It may be time is not the challenge, but your interests do not align with the request. Tell the truth. “This doesn’t sound like a good fit for me.” “I’m not looking to commit in that area.”

When we volunteer, we give of ourselves, we grow as people, and we help our community. We do, however, need to prioritize our personal and family needs. It’s OK to say no.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.