Jul 25, 2022 3 min read

These days, flying is a lot like playing Russian Roulette – with more bullets! I had booked a trip to Egypt, but I made it only as far as Newark, N.J., when I got stuck.

Side note: Did you ever open that cabinet under your sink? That’s what Newark looks like to me. Big giant pipes going God knows where.

But I digress, like I do. My plane in Jersey was delayed from taking off to Montreal, where I would miss my next flight to Egypt. The Ramp Agent called my name and said, “You know when you sat down with your travel agent and carefully planned out your trip? You can’t do it that way.”

I had to book a new flight to get to Cairo. I got rerouted from Montreal to Milan at no extra charge. Bonus!

The she added, “Also, we took your bags off the plane. Go fetch them from the carousel and run back here because you leave in 15 minutes.”

Watching a fat asthmatic run through an airport must have been a spectacular sight. I didn’t breathe until I was on the plane.

There I was, in Milan, Italy, stuck for the day. I grabbed a cab and told the driver to take me to the city. He asked, “Where exactly?” I said, “I don’t know. Someplace fun.”

He drove me to Duomo di Milano, the enormous, Gothic cathedral in the town square.

P.S. Next time I say, “Take me somewhere fun,” please don’t drive me to church.

I walked around Plaza del Duomo and had a pizza with grilled eggplant and zucchini in a café where I watched people stroll around. Milan is the fashion capital of the world – even the homeless were dressed better than I was. I saw the fanciest belts, shoes and hats. It was an amazing side quest.

I found out you can take the bus to the airport for 2 Euros. I paid 100 Euros for the cab ride. Hint: If there’s a bus, always take the bus.

I walked up to the counter and said, “I need my boarding pass for my trip to Cairo.”

The Agent said, “We don’t fly there.”

I heard the “Twilight Zone” theme in my head.

I was at the wrong airport! Milan has three, Malpensa, Lingate and Bergamo. Three airports! I was at Lingate, but I was leaving from Malpensa.

I had to take another bus back to Milan’s Central Station in the middle of town and take another bus to Malpensa. The clock was ticking.

They say to be at the airport three hours before your flight when traveling internationally. I was, but I was at the wrong airport. When I got to the right airport, I had 45 minutes to get my boarding pass, get through customs and get on the plane.

Can a fat asthmatic run through a second airport without dying? Barely.

I sat on another plane, huffing and puffing, but I finally got to Egypt.