Jun 30, 2022 4 min read

Q. I am so frustrated! My family refuses to see things from my perspective. I know it’s important to have respect for my parents and I know sometimes people need to agree to disagree, but this is so difficult. I finished a degree in nursing. My parents ignore everything I say in favor of things they see online or watch on TV. I’ve had my dad look me right in the eye and state totally unreasonable, non-scientific “facts” that he refuses to budge on. They were never like this before. When I was growing up, we could talk about anything. It’s as though everything I learned means nothing to them. I’ve accepted a good job out of state. I think I did it subconsciously on purpose. I’m old enough to strike out on my own and find people who think rationally to hang out with. I feel as though my family is no longer a safe place for me. I feel depressed if I stay with them too long. It won’t help to try to talk sense into them. I’ve tried, again and again. Am I wrong to give up? What’s wrong with them?

– 23-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: What a challenging situation!

People change over time and change is often difficult. I hear two frustrations from you – the reality of being unable to communicate with your parents, and the sorrow that they do not respect your knowledge. You are justifiably proud of your accomplishments. I don’t think you’re giving up as much as finding a place where you feel safe.

As you say, you are old enough to strike out on your own. As we move into adult professions, we often create our own kin or families from friends and co-workers. You may already have a group of people with whom you share common values.

Moving away doesn’t mean abandoning hope for connection, but I believe you need to weigh your mental health with your respect for your parents. If you think it would be safe to share, you may want to tell the truth about your acceptance of the out of state job. If you do share, do so with care and kindness.

You ask what’s wrong with your parents. May I share a story? I read a great book to our grandkids the other day. “Big Bad Bubble,” by Adam Rubin, is a cute story about a monster named Mogo who is afraid of bubbles.

Not only is Mogo afraid of bubbles, he teaches the other monsters to fear them as well. He tells them “bubbles kill thousands of monsters every year.” These large, ferocious monsters cower in terror.

Then, a monster accidentally breaks a bubble with his claw. The other monsters break bubbles one by one … with their fangs, with their pointy tails, with their fingers.

Mogo refuses to believe them. He tells them he’s done his research and he KNOWS bubbles are dangerous … until, he also accidentally breaks one.

Suddenly Mogo likes bubbles! He takes bubble baths. He pops bubble wrap. All is well … until Mogo decides that butterflies are dangerous and writes a book called “The Truth about Butterflies.”

All the monsters run from a tiny butterfly.

Misinformation is tough to shake when your entire friend group believes it. Your parents may be comfortable with their perception. Loving them means accepting the reality that you may not be able to change them. Loving yourself means you continue to respect them while protecting your mental health. Good luck.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.