Mar 24, 2022 4 min read

Q. I don’t have a question. I would appreciate it if you would share this in your column, though. I encountered bullying when I was a teen, many years ago. When I read your last two columns about bullying, I knew I needed to tell someone my story.

I was what you called a bystander. Our lockers in school were assigned alphabetically. For all four years of high school, the student beside me was bullied. He was slight, he didn’t play sports, he liked to study. I was the opposite. I scraped by academically, but played football, baseball, and ran track. I was popular. He was not. All through high school, I saw him belittled, called names, and pushed around. He seldom spoke to me, but I always ignored him, and when he was called gay and worse names for being gay right in front of me, I did nothing.

Our senior year, one lovely spring day, he wasn’t in school. Soon the word spread. He took his own life. He hung himself in his basement. I later found out that he was indeed gay, had come out, and his family refused to accept him. It was a crueler time. I graduated in 1959. This boy had no one. Between his parents’ rejection and the daily torment he endured at school, I am sure he felt completely alone. I watched this every day and did nothing.

I share because I want people to know there are consequences to doing nothing. I became a manager in a mine and always looked out for my crew. In some small way, I hope that made up for it. Thank you for listening. Will you please print this?

– Still regretful

Mary Jo’s Response: It is my honor to share your heartfelt words. I hope sharing was cathartic for you.

Yes, there are consequences to inaction and silence in the face of hateful behavior. Bystanders who respond to bullying need support; it is not easy to show courage and stand up for another.

I offer you hope. Please forgive yourself. Life lessons are sometimes difficult. Looking back with regret only causes pain. Think of the many positives in your life. You lived an exemplary life by setting standards of respect for your work team. Mental “what ifs” only pull us down emotionally. You’ve done well.

Q. Your last two columns touched me. One of the teens in your bullying column said adults can be bullies. I lived that. My mother was a bully to me and my sister. She was mean, she emotionally abused us, she was unpredictable, and her screams still echo in my memories. My sister and I have both been in therapy.

I later learned her mother, my grandmother, was a bully to her children. My sister and I stopped this cycle. We are positive parents. Between us, we have six children and we raised them with kindness and respect. They are fine adults now.

If you print this, please do so because I want parents to know that what they say and the way they treat their children emotionally lasts a lifetime.

– Thoughtful parent

Mary Jo’s Response: Your words mean a great deal. Yes, adults can bully. Yes, parents can bully their own children. When our children were small, I promised myself I would not use a tone of voice with my children I wouldn’t use to a coworker. Words can hurt.

I’m proud of you and your sister. Breaking a dysfunctional parenting cycle takes effort and courage.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.