Don’t settle for the wrong person
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Q. My friends tell me my new boyfriend isn’t good for me. What if they’re just jealous? They say he talks about me behind my back, acts like a jerk when I’m not around, and flirts with his old girlfriend. I’m not sure about him. He’s nice when we’re alone. Who do I believe?
– 15-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: It’s challenging to sort out friends’ messages about a new partner, especially if you want to be with your boyfriend.
Be honest with yourself.
New relationships can be complicated. We get caught up in the feelings of connecting with someone who likes us. It’s flattering to be with someone new. Not all relationships are healthy.
Ask yourself these questions:
1. Is he other-directed – which just means he’s not selfish? Does he ask about your day, listen to you, pay attention to the things you enjoy?
2. How does he act when he’s with his friends? Does he respect you? Does he acknowledge you or ignore you?
3. Have you talked about consent? Does he honor you? Does he accept your boundaries?
4. Have you discussed past relationships? Are you OK with flirting? Does he admit the behavior your friends share with you?
Communication is key to any relationship. If you share your friends’ comments with him, how do you think he will react?
Having a boyfriend can mean a lot but being with the right person is most important. Talk with him. I would not assume your friends are jealous. They may be looking out for you. They may also be wrong, but the only person who can reassure you is your new boyfriend.
Q. My mom says I’m so desperate to not be alone that I allow guys who aren’t good for me to talk with me. I do want a boyfriend bad. Do you think my mom is right?
– 15-year-old
Mary Jo’s Response: Moms are often right about us. They know us well. You do acknowledge wanting to be with someone a great deal. As I said in the above response, it is more important to be with the right person than it is to settle for the wrong person just to have a boyfriend. Being alone is scary but it is also OK. Get to know yourself. Make good friends and grow with them. I hear you – you’re tired of waiting for someone. Try to be patient. There’s time for boyfriends. Be you now.
Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.