Nov 28, 2022 3 min read

Welcome to Cyber Monday. A day that means nothing to our technologically impaired friends and/or the people who spent all of their money on Black Friday.

Side note: You know you are technologically impaired if you walk into a restaurant and panic when they tell you they don’t have paper menus.

But I digress, like I do. Bargains, coupons and two-for-one sales are everywhere.

We are officially in the holiday season. To which, I can only say, “Yikes!”

I’m not prepared. To be honest, like a Boy Scout on Bizarro World, I am never prepared.

I always run into that overeager person who says, “I bought and wrapped all of my Christmas gifts in August.” It’s usually some woman who has four children and a full-time job. This ambitious human, somehow, finds time to bake cookies, make scented candles and create beautiful advent calendars from leftover art supplies and Kleenex boxes. This is the same person who tells you she wakes up at 5 a.m. and rides the Peloton for an hour before packing her children’s lunchboxes. This person is exhausted.

Every year, I think I’m going to get ahead of the holiday shopping curve and get out there early, and I end up at a 24-hour CVS at 2 in the morning on Christmas Eve.

“Here’s a blue tin of Danish cookies, some Tasmanian Devil Air Fresheners for your car, a yellow box of chocolates (where someone will squish the square one to make sure there’s no coconut inside) and a trash can full of three different kinds of popcorn!”

Sure, that popcorn is stale, but you get to keep the commemorative can with a big giant Santa head on it.

For those of us who hate to shop, I see you. You are my people.

Because of us, gift cards were invented.

Because of us, you can buy a Hallmark card with a money slot in it.

Because of us, you can get a coupon for a free back rub, or some equally lame promissory note.

When you hear the expression, “It’s the thought that counts,” you’ve failed.

I want to tell you not to stress about the holiday, but I will 100% stress about the holidays. It’s the old “do as I say, not as I do” syndrome. I will spend oodles of time worrying about Christmas, but not actually doing anything about it.

I will do some preparation for the oncoming holiday onslaught.

I will write down a list of names, stick it in my back pocket and completely forget about it until I am cleaning out the dryer and I find bits of shredded paper in the lint trap.

I will stare at a necktie for 20 minutes and realize that no one wears neckties anymore.

I will use more than twice the recommended amount of Scotch tape when wrapping a gift.

Somehow, I’ll get through it. Then, I’ll panic on Dec. 26 when I realize I hadn’t made plans for New Year’s Eve.