Oct 27, 2022 4 min read

Q. I hope you can help me. My 13-year-old daughter has a number of mental health issues. She’s seeing a therapist and is now on medication. My problem is she has no friends. She just doesn’t fit into her old friends’ group. It’s as if they’ve abandoned her. This happened in sixth grade, and seventh is no better. On top of her social anxiety, which is getting worse and worse with every social snub, she has developed OCD. She must do things in a certain order to feel comfortable. For example, she freaked out and refused to go to school last week because we ran out of her normal lunch supplies, and she could not bear the idea of a different lunch. It’s not only that she’s a picky eater, it’s that the packed lunch must contain three napkins, a certain kind of plastic spoon for her yogurt, exactly 5 red grapes … the rules go on. If any one of those things are out of order, she’s incapacitated. Her therapist knows. I’m not looking for help with her issues. I want to know how to find someone who could be a friend to her. She’s all alone. If she wanted to be alone, it would be different, but she’s miserable. She says, “No one likes me” all the time. Any suggestions?

– Mom of 13-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: My heart hurts with yours. An old saying tells us parents are only as happy as their unhappiest child. Your daughter’s unhappiness is difficult for you. I hear you.

I’m glad she sees a therapist and hope her sessions are easing her angst.

I’m also glad you reached out. Thirteen is a rough time of life developmentally. Friendships can change; young people can feel left out and alone. Your daughter’s experience is not uncommon.

I assign Rachel Simmons’ book “Odd Girl Out” to my college students who aspire to teach. Simmons researched the effect of relational aggression on girls during middle school. Her book was the inspiration for the movie “Mean Girls.” Your daughter’s anxiety is increased because she is dealing with isolation at school. It may help a little for her to know she is not the only young person who feels alone.

Friendships can be challenging at any age, of course. Encouraging your daughter’s involvement in activities outside of school may widen her social circle and help her make new friends. COVID isolation changed many young people’s ability to easily make friends, too, so the typical challenges of being 13 are exacerbated.

Please model how to be a good friend to your daughter. Being other-directed, learning to listen to other people’s needs, and being kind and respectful will help her grow as a person.

Affirm your daughter’s worth. Help her see how amazing she is. She is not defined by her challenges. She is a person of worth. Be hopeful, listen to her, and offer her support.

May I suggest activities like gymnastics, dance, Scouts, or youth groups? Our Common Ground Teen Center in Washington provides a safe, accepting space where young people your daughter’s age can connect with others. We offer daily activities – one of the most popular is our Cooking Club, held Thursdays at 5 p.m. Friday nights are Games Night, Tuesdays we offer Art Club and Anime Club, and Wednesday we have a club for young writers. There’s something for everyone. I hire older teens to run the center; they create a welcoming atmosphere, where all teens are respected. The center is at 92 N. Main St. and is open Monday through Friday from 4 to 8 p.m.

Let’s continue connecting about your daughter’s needs. You’re not alone, and neither is she.

Peer Educator Response: Many of us felt as your daughter does. Some of us had poor social skills after the pandemic and it was hard to make friends. We also can relate to friendships turning sour. The most important thing we learned was that there are always other people we can be friends with and that we are good enough to have good friends.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.