Sep 1, 2022 4 min read

Q. My gram is changing. I think she has dementia. I talked with my dad, and he says I’m right. They’ve moved her to a nursing home, and I can only see her when someone takes me over to visit because it’s not close enough to walk. I hate this. My parents split when I was little, and my gram was everything to me in those days. She took care of me. She was at all my soccer games, cheering me on and then taking me for ice cream. She did homework with me. She went to my parent-teacher meetings. She cooked my favorite foods and read me stories. She got me ready for school. Now, she doesn’t even know me. This is so cruel. Does it even matter if I visit? Is there anything I can do to show her how much she still means to me? Thanks. – 14-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: You are correct. Dementia is cruel. I’m glad you connected with me. You are a mature, respectful, and caring young person. It’s an honor to respond to you.

Yes, it matters a great deal if you visit your gram.

Your gram is changing, but I want to help you remember who she is to you. Your description of her as “everything” to you when your parents split should be your foundation. Your gram is still your gram. She may not know you as she once did, but you are still her grandchild. It is time for you to return her kindness and love.

Here are some hints to add value to your visits with your gram. Your goal is to create moments of joy for her and make connection.

1. Identify yourself to her when you first visit. Say, “Gram, it’s me (say your name)” and give her a chance to remember. If she doesn’t seem to know you, continue talking with her with respect and love.

2. Enjoy reminding her of good memories. Bring a photo album, share pictures on your phone, tell her about your family. Stories may even spark memories. Be positive and affirming. Share what you told me. Articulate your love and gratitude.

3. Listen to music with her. Music is calming and can give her a connection to you. Music may make her smile. Studies show music can lift the spirits of patients in dementia units. Music can also bring you joy and become something you share.

4. Touch is important. People living in nursing homes may only experience touch when receiving medical procedures. Ask her if a hug is OK and give her one. Bring lotion and give her a hand massage. Rest your hand on her arm as you sit together.

5. Take her outside if possible. If she’s physically well and her caregivers agree, taking a short walk and enjoying nature can be calming and give you both something to look forward to and enjoy. If she uses a wheelchair, you can push her as you chat.

6. Bring her favorite foods to her. Check with her caregivers to see if she has a restricted diet first, but a taste from home could make her smile.

7. Do you have a family dog? Many nursing homes allow pet visits. Studies show animals can bring comfort to those living with dementia. Ask first, but give it a try.

8. If permitted at the nursing home, connect by phone calls and FaceTime. When you can’t visit, take the time to check in with her. Tell her you love her often.

I am proud of you. You honor her by remembering her kindness to you when you were small. Offer the gift of your presence whenever you can visit.

It is hurtful to watch someone we love as their memories slip away; find support to help process your feelings after each visit. Feel free to continue chatting with me. You are a person of worth, and so is your gram.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.