Sep 8, 2022 3 min read

Followup from last week’s column on dementia: A reader wrote to share how smell connected him to his grandmother who was living with dementia. He said bringing lavender to his visits with her mellowed her and seemed to help with restlessness. Lavender is one of the scents recommended for dementia. (https://aromaimpressions.com/fourteen-scents-that-can-help-relieve-symptoms-of-memory-loss/). I’m grateful for the suggestion.

Q.I am so tired of people judging my older brother. He’s autistic, but that doesn’t mean he’s not great. He is. I love him. He’s fun and creative. He melts down in public sometimes. I can get why. Let’s say we’re some place where he’s happy, like a store where he can look at things he likes. When it’s time to leave, if we don’t tell him in advance and just abruptly say, “Let’s go” he reacts loudly. People stare. If we take the time to prepare him for what’s going to happen, he’s fine. I get him. He’s my best friend. – 13-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I love your connection with your brother!

We are all worthy. Individuals who are neurodivergent may be judged by those who do not see their worth. Neurodivergence is the term for when someone’s brain processes, learns, and/or behaves differently from what is considered “typical.” Neurodivergence is this difference in how a person’s brain works, not an illness.

Connection with another person requires empathy. Your insight into your brother’s reactions to change are on target. Listening to his needs and observing the way he processes life can help you and your family create an environment where he feels safe and respected.

Knowing one autistic person means you know one autistic person – each of us is unique. Your brother is your best friend because you get him.

Your brother has big feelings at times; it may be difficult for him to express them. Everyone has feelings. Your feelings are worthy, too.

Being the sibling of a neurodivergent individual can be challenging. Parental attention may be directed to the autistic sibling more than the typical one. High expectations can be placed upon a sibling. It may be difficult to find time alone or personal space. Since each autistic person is unique, there is no one way to cope with these challenges. You seem content with your relationship. Please know it is OK to express your own feelings. It’s OK to be frustrated at times. Most sibling relationships go through moments of misunderstanding or even conflict. Communication with your brother and with your parents is key.

There are many organizations to offer support and information for families with neurodivergent young people. One of my favorites is ASAN, the Autism Self-Advocacy Network, https://autisticadvocacy.org/. I believe in giving each person a voice. Your brother has his own thoughts and should be able to express them. Your support is important.

Thank you for writing and giving me a chance to advocate for neurodivergent young people.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.