Sep 15, 2022 4 min read

Last week’s column on neurodivergent teens received many responses. Here are three.

Q. I’m writing to applaud the 13-year-old who wrote to talk about having an older brother on the spectrum. What a fine young one! I had an older brother with Down Syndrome. He was an amazing person and I miss him every day. Being different isn’t bad. There’s good in all of us. Please tell this teen his/her open heart and kindness made an impression on this retired teacher. Thank you.

Mary Jo’s Response: Thank you for your lovely note. I am impressed with young people daily.

Q. I’m a neurodivergent adult. Your column last week touched me. I am a successful programmer for a large IT company. My salary is adequate for my needs, and I support myself. I struggle with social cues at times, but my family is a great help to me. Please tell the 13-year-old sibling that the greatest gift we can give anyone is acceptance. Thank you for the column.

Mary Jo’s Response: I am pleased you shared your success. You are living proof of the uniqueness of each person. Your words are wise. Acceptance is indeed a great gift. Thank you.

Q. I work with autistic children. Your column last week struck a nerve with me. I wish I could print flyers and bumper stickers with your words about each neurodivergent person being different. “If you know one autistic person, you know one autistic person” is very true.

One of the parents I work with is so hard on his son. I believe he feels tough love is the best way to prepare his boy for life, and he appears to have good intentions in the long run, but I find his behavior harsh. His son is 14 and at an awkward age. The boy interrupts a lot, talks loudly, and gestures widely when he speaks. I see the beauty of his spirit and personality – these traits are not off-putting to me. When his dad is around, the boy becomes tense, which only makes his behavior more exaggerated. I teach him to wait his turn when speaking, and to lower his tone. When his dad isn’t with him, he does pretty well. I know his father reads your column because he remarked that he liked last week’s. Could you address this?

Mary Jo’s Response: It sounds as if the father’s approach is making his son feel uncomfortable. Yes, I will address this concern.

Our children are unique individuals. As parents, we want the best for them. I think you’re correct – this father is focused on preparing his son for life. Parenting equals worry at times. He’s probably projecting a time when he will not be able to protect his son as he now does. He may not realize he is straining their relationship.

I suggest a conversation with the dad. Respectfully explain what you told me. His son is nervous when he’s with him because he is trying hard to please him. Perhaps teach them both some basic breathing exercises to encourage calmness. The dad needs to articulate the obvious and tell his son how much he means to him. Showing love and acceptance should ease the 14-year-old’s tension. The dad should model not only acceptance, but also pride in his son.

Each young person is worthy. A parent’s unconditional love and acceptance is important.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.