Apr 20, 2023 4 min read

Q. I’m not a teen any longer but I didn’t know where else to go. I also know you answer really serious questions from teens, and this is not a big deal, except it is to me. I was one of your students in high school. My favorite part of your classes was when you helped us understand relationships. I can hear you saying “Choose wisely” when we select a partner. You told us who we lived our lives with could make our lives easier/happy or miserable. You were right. I have a wonderful husband – I choose wisely. We’ve been married for 12 years and have two beautiful children.

My problem is with my in-laws. They are the opposite of my spouse. I was raised to be hospitable. When they are at our house, I always provide a meal. When we visit them – they live three hours away, so it’s not often – they don’t even offer snacks or a beverage. I’ve learned to feed our kids before we visit. Can you imagine spending 6-7 hours with someone, over lunchtime, and not being fed? And I always feel they want to rush us out the door.

They also can be cruel. They even mock our children’s appearance, to the point where our 10-year-old daughter was brought to tears on Easter by her grandfather’s mean comments about her weight (she’s gained a little weight – her pediatrician says it’s the start of puberty – but she looks great and is healthy and active).

How do I handle this? I don’t want to hurt my husband. He’s a good man.

– Still need your help

Mary Jo’s Response: Thank you so much for remembering me! I do tell young people to choose wisely, and I’m thrilled you did.

When we marry or commit to a partner, we create our own new family. Your family sounds stable and happy. We also encounter a culture different from our own. Let me explain.

When we grow up, we live in our own small culture. Each family is unique. There are obvious differences between families when two people marry, like religious beliefs, attitudes about money, and politics, but there are also subtle differences that reveal themselves over time. I was raised to feed visitors, so I would be unhappy if not offered a meal after a long trip. My papa would open the door to a visitor, put on coffee, and then open the refrigerator to create snacks!

I hear you saying you have two problems with your in-laws. The first deals with hospitality and, while challenging, isn’t the biggest issue. The second situation is not healthy for your daughter or your other child. We protect our children from bullies; your daughter needs protected from your father-in-law’s hurtful words.

You say you don’t want to hurt your husband, but your resentment toward his parents and the way you feed your children before visiting them is obvious. I think a conversation with your spouse is important. Weigh your words with care. Do not blame him for his parents. Instead, ask him how he feels. He sounds like a good father – does he share your concerns?

You and your husband are your daughter’s advocates. She should feel safe in her grandparents’ home. You should be united in your approach if you decide to speak with your father-in-law. Setting basic ground rules of respect for your children should be a criterion for visiting them again.

Puberty is a time of great change and weight gain can be part of it. Seeing your pediatrician for reassurance was wise. Your daughter’s self-esteem is connected to her body image. Your support matters. Well done.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.