Aug 31, 2023 3 min read

Q. Is it cheating if you develop a relationship with someone, but you never are together except online? And you already have a boyfriend? Here’s what happened. I went to a leadership camp this summer and met a fabulous person. We hit it off right away. It’s like we understand each other so completely. We were only at the camp for a week, I doubt we’ll ever see each other again. We live far apart. But we text daily and facetime. The more time I spend with him, the more I want to be with him. We’ve never even kissed. Now, to my boyfriend. We’ve been together since 10th grade – we’re seniors now. He’s my only boyfriend. We even are applying to the same colleges. It’s not that I don’t care about him. I really do. But I seem to connect with my friend from camp more. From the start, I told my camp friend I was involved with my boyfriend, and he’s been respectful of that. Is it cheating if you’re never going to be physical with someone, but you think about them all the time and you talk every single day (if we don’t I feel sad). Am I cheating on my boyfriend? Should I tell him? I think I should but I’m afraid.

– 17-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: My short answer depends on your definition of cheating.

It seems you’re describing a very close friendship with your camp friend. You don’t mention physical attraction, although it may be present. Let’s assume your relationship is platonic – simply friendship. Would that be considered cheating? For some people, it would. We have emotional connections to our partners. You mention talking every single day to your camp friend or you feel sad. I have two questions for you. Which person would you go to first with wonderful news, like a college acceptance to your number one school choice? Which person would you go to first with sad news, like a failure to get accepted?

Some believe our emotional connections are just as important – maybe more important – than our physical ones. Friendships are vital in life. What if friendships evolve into deep relationships? What if those deep relationships threaten long-term partnerships like you and your boyfriend enjoy? What if a friendship evolves into love?

Only you can clarify your feelings.

You’re afraid to share this friendship with your boyfriend. Should you tell him? If the situation were reversed, would you want to know if your boyfriend had a very close relationship with someone else?

Your boyfriend may be accepting of your relationship; if he is not, he does not have the right to tell you to end it. You may befriend anyone you choose. He does have the right to verbalize his feelings and process them with you.

Remember you are worthy of a partner who connects with you at all levels. Good luck.

Peer Educator Alumni Response: We had mixed feelings about this one. Most of us thought this was a cheating situation, but a few of us thought it was just fine, if you are honest with your boyfriend. Your boyfriend needs to weigh in. You decide.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email at podmjhealthyteens.com.