Jan 12, 2023 3 min read

Q. If two people are older – like over 18 – and they have an intimate relationship, does that assume they get consent? Like, is consent understood? Or do they have to keep asking if things are OK over and over?

– 13-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: What an important question!

I can see why you may be confused. You’re imagining a relationship between two adults, and you wonder how it works. You realize consent is important. Obtaining consent is a foundation of any relationship, regardless of a person’s age.

Consent means both parties are aware of what is going to happen and agree. Consent involves communication and respect; the ability to connect with a partner emotionally is just as key as connecting physically.

Your question deals with a long-term adult relationship. Yes, consent is still vital. An open, other-directed relationship will create ongoing ways to convey needs and wishes. Consent can be woven into daily life.

Developing relationships as we mature starts with friendships. Consent is important with friends as well, since consent is not always about intimacy. A healthy friend relationship, for example, may mean two people plan to go to the movies on a weekend. One person may have new homework obligations. The other person should listen to their concerns and find out if the homework is a conflict. Consent would mean a conversation, an awareness of each person’s needs, and a compromise.

I’m glad you’re interested in healthy relationships in the future.

Q. I worry my friend is in a lousy relationship. Her boyfriend kisses her in front of other people. She looks uncomfortable, maybe even embarrassed. A couple of us have told her what we think. She just laughs and says he loves her. Shouldn’t he get consent before he kisses her, especially in front of her friends?

– 15-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: When we observe our friends’ relationships, we don’t know what happens when they’re alone. These two people may communicate about consent without your knowledge.

Yes, he should get consent.

I’m concerned about two things: Are you judging her reaction based on a pre-conceived idea of how people should react to kissing, especially in public? The person who must be comfortable and give consent is your friend. Of course, it is not OK if she is not comfortable and he does not respect her wishes or listen to her.

Second, if you want to talk with your friend, wouldn’t it be easier if you did so one-on-one, without pressure from too many people? She may be willing to be honest then. If she’s happy, no one else’s opinion matters.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.