Jul 10, 2023 3 min read

It’s not only bad to take candy from strangers. Now, people are throwing candy at strangers. In late June, Tristan Stetina, 19, was accused of pelting patrons with Skittles in a restaurant in Minnesota. The alleged confection-chucking criminal apparently had a meltdown.

If you’re having a meltdown, wouldn’t it be better to throw M&Ms? They melt in your mouth and not in your hands.

The Associated Press does not cite a reason for the teenage temper tantrum, but the suspect was probably hopped up on too much sugar.

The victims of the treat-tossing tirade were not seriously injured, but one victim of the rain-blow told police she felt “a stinging pain in her back area.” Apparently, she was smacked in the butt with a fruit-flavored weapon.

We’ve all seen the commercial where the Skittles rain down from the sky. Who knew the sweets could physically wound? When you “taste the rainbow,” you feel the wrath of the rainbow. In a revised version of the advertisement, I would depict people running in terror from the fruity, chewy raindrops.

The hyperactive suspect had a distinct feature and was easy to apprehend. A victim told the cops that the assailant had a heart-shaped tattoo under his right eye.

Side note: It’s hard to miss a teenager with a heart-shaped tattoo under his right eye. If you’re going to hurl cherry, lemon, grape and lime-flavored candies at people, wear a mask. Of course, this would make the accused the sugary super villain the Candy Man!

“Who can take a rainbow and whack it in your thigh? Smack you in the face. Maybe even make you cry? The Candy Man can! The Candy Man can!”

But I digress, like I do. Upon arriving at the scene, police found the empty bag of Skittles on the ground near the restaurant. If there was any question to which candy was being pitched, the empty bag solved the Skittle Riddle.

Officers found Stetina at another business and attempted to arrest him outside, but he resisted. At this point, he was not armed with any sugary projectiles of “stinging pain,” but he did not go easily.

“As Officers were placing handcuffs on Stetina, he pulled away and attempted to break free from the Officers’ control,” authorities alleged. “Stetina then wrapped his leg around Officer Gilbertson in an attempt to trip him.”

The Nature Boy Buddy Rogers grapevine did not work on Officer Gilbertson. Eventually, the suspect was subdued after three officers took him to the ground.

Two little men with green hair and bad spray tans (that made them look kind of orangey) remarked, “Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo, I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you. Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee, if you are wise you’ll listen to me. What do you get when you hurtle your sweets? Throwing colorful rainbow-colored treats? What if the police knock you to the ground? You will take a trip all the way downtown. Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-dee, if you are wise, you’ll listen to me.”