Mar 6, 2023 3 min read

We’re always learning. For example, I received a Sonicare for Christmas, and I learned – just this week – that I can’t turn the electric toothbrush on until after it’s in my mouth, or the water and toothpaste splash all over the vanity mirror. If I use my red, cinnamon toothpaste, the bathroom looks like a crime scene.

Clearly, I’m as far from a guru as you can possibly get. I prefer a warm beach to a snowy mountaintop, but I would like to impart my little, tiny droplets of wisdom to you before I lose them. Today’s lesson is, “How to Avoid Narcissists.” We all know these pesky individuals who care only for themselves. Unfortunately, my insight comes the hard way. I’ve become entangled with a great deal of these egocentric jerks, but I’ve discovered a sure-fire way to detect them and – here’s the best part – get rid of them.

Say you’re at a party. I’ve just invited you! You’re milling about, snacking on delicious hors d’oeuvres and looking to speak with someone interesting. I’m in the kitchen dealing with an issue with the caterers, and you don’t know anyone else there.

If you ask someone two questions and they answer without asking you a question, skedaddle.

For beginners, I suggest you stick to the basics – weather, books, movies, etc.

Let’s use a simple example:

Start with, “Enjoying this weather?”

“Yes.” They could respond either with a yes or no. It doesn’t matter. Note that this imaginary narcissist hasn’t asked any followup questions of you yet.

Add, “Any plans for the weekend?”

“Not really.”

At this point, this person is obligated – by social norms – to ask you the third question, typically it’s, “How about you?” But any question will work. They just have to ask one. If they don’t volley the ball back to you, excuse yourself and find the punch bowl. It’s mostly rum.

That’s how you start a conversation and end a conversation with a raging egomaniac.

Now, you may be asking, “Mike, what if I’m already trapped in a conversation with one of these vainglorious morons?”

Say, you’ve met someone, and they have spoken for 20 minutes about themselves, and you don’t know how to disengage. It’s simple. You steer the conversation back to yourself. It doesn’t even matter what the topic is.

Pretend that we’re 20 minutes into this blowhard’s story and he says, “Then, my car broke down … “

Interject, “That reminds me of the time I broke down on my return trip from Scranton. Ironically, I broke down outside of Mechanicsville.”

Sure, it’s better if your story somehow relates and even better if it’s interesting, but anything will do. You could say, “That reminds me of the time I went to Disneyland.” As long as it’s about yourself.

He will quickly move on. These guys have all the time in the world to talk, but no time to listen.

Now, you can enjoy the party.