Mar 9, 2023 3 min read

Q. I think I’m ready for a romantic relationship. I hear people talk about falling in love with a friend, but I feel there’s a complication to that. I get along well with my friends, but I don’t feel passionate about them. On one hand, that feels wrong. In a romantic relationship, shouldn’t I feel passion? On the other hand, I like that I’m compatible with my friends. If I had a relationship with someone I was compatible with, I know I would have fun. Am I overthinking this? Maybe I waited too long. Most of my friends have had relationships since middle school, off and on. That’s my thing. I don’t want a casual, off and on relationship. At least, I think that’s what I want. Help!

– 17-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I don’t believe you’re overthinking, but I do think you’re worrying about a potential relationship instead of relaxing and having fun with the concept.

Relationships, like people, are unique. The key is making sure the relationship is healthy. Both people should be able to grow in a healthy relationship, consent should be a foundation of any physical connection, and communication matters. Passion can grow from friendship.

Let me ask you a few questions to help you worry less.

What do you want in a relationship? You say you don’t want a casual, off and on relationship; you’re describing a superficial connection with someone, which could be an immature relationship. Many middle school relationships are temporary. It sounds as if you want something more, yes?

Falling in love with a friend can be a great foundation for a relationship. Do you feel as though compatibility and passion are exclusive? In other words, do you fear you cannot become passionate about someone with whom you share a friendship?

Most long-term relationships either begin with friendship or develop into friendship. Spending quality time with another person means you will share your cultures, your likes and dislikes, and your dreams. Two people can develop a solid, healthy relationship and have different interests, but listening to each person’s desires and caring for them matters. You don’t need to love swimming, for example, but you need to honor your partner’s desire to swim.

You may love books, and your partner may only tolerate reading for fun, but if you find a compromise where both of you are happy, the relationship will do well.

Are you looking for a relationship where commitment is a possibility? A long-term relationship needs to evolve over time. It’s best to be flexible, relax, and see how the relationship develops. Compatibility does lead to shared experiences and fun. A long-term relationship without compatibility is rare.

Finally, you haven’t waited too long. Seventeen is a wonderful time to figure yourself out. Develop friendships, learn what you like and dislike, and build on the experiences you have in a group. It’s OK to be selective. You are worth the wait.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.