Mar 23, 2023 3 min read

Q. When I was a young teacher, you taught a district in-service. I remember you talking about something called holding space. I’m now the parent of a 6-year-old boy. Is he too young for me to teach this concept? I’d like to teach it to him. If he’s old enough, how do I explain it to a child? Thank you. Thanks for all you do, too. I still remember how you inspired me to connect with my students.

– Parent of 6-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Your kind and generous words made my day. We share the same philosophy – positive teacher/student relationships make learning happen and connection is the key to relationships.

“Holding space” means being physically, mentally, and emotionally present for someone. It means putting your focus on someone to support them as they feel their feelings.

I first learned to hold space as a birth doula. A birth doula goes into labor with someone and provides support through the birth. She is an advocate (often doulas are women – the word comes from the Greek and means a “woman who serves”). Births with a doula have lower cesarean rates, higher breastfeeding rates, and a decreased need for medical interventions. A birth doula holds space. She doesn’t leave. She is there.

I’ve also served as a death doula. A death doula assists with end of life by advocating for the person who is dying and the family. Death doulas give respite for caregivers, help with planning and advanced directives, offer bereavement services for families, and provide comfort. A death doula holds space.

I’ve taught teens to hold space for decades. One of our 15-year-old peer educators defined it like this: “When you hold space, you don’t give advice. You stay with the person who is upset. You don’t even need to talk. You give of yourself. You’re there.”

Your 6-year-old is old enough to learn to hold space. Teach him to listen without interrupting. Tell him it’s important to hear what someone is saying. Talk about feelings – model that feelings are OK, even big feelings. Explain it’s easy to want to give advice to someone who is upset, but people most need to be heard. They need to be respected. They need the gift of our presence.

The book, “Ruby Finds a Worry,” by Tom Percival, helps children deal with big feelings by sharing their worries with others. It is beautifully written and easy for a 6-year-old to understand and enjoy.

There’s a lovely Pooh meme online, where Pooh and Piglet visit Eeyore. Eeyore is sad. Pooh and Piglet don’t judge him. They simply sit down beside him and keep him company in silence. They hold space. Maybe using Pooh’s example can help your son. Thanks for teaching him how to be a caring person.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.