May 11, 2023 4 min read

Q. What do I do if my child is a bully? I received a phone call no parent wants to get. My son’s teacher told me he was tormenting other children, both verbally and physically. I’m heartbroken. How can my child be a bad kid? I feel like a failure.

– Mom of 12-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I hear your distress. I want to reassure you – children who engage in bullying behavior are not “bad kids.” Your son needs your support, he needs you to talk with him about the phone call and his behavior (not at him), and he needs your love and attention. As parents, we can dislike behavior while continuing to love and support our child. You are not a failure. You’re also not finished parenting him.

I believe no behavior happens in a vacuum. In other words, I look for the why of behavior. In this case, why would your child act in an aggressive way?

As a certified Olweus Bullying Prevention Trainer, I’ve trained school districts in bullying prevention. Here are some hints to help discover the why of bullying behavior.

Your child may be trying to fit in with a group of aggressive young people. He may be modeling his behavior from others.

It’s possible he observed bullying behavior at home or at school. It’s easy for us to overlook adult bullying behavior – adults can be bullies, too, especially to children. Does anyone put your child down, belittle him, use harsh language or make him feel unworthy? He could be trying to regain power by bullying his peers.

Some children are naturally more aggressive than others. You know your son. If this type of behavior is a pattern, there are steps you can take to move him away from it. If this is new to his personality, it is important to continue seeking why his behavior changed.

Your son may not realize how his words and actions hurt others.

He may perceive others’ behavior as aggressive and act out defensively.

There’s a difference between a one-time disagreement/fight and bullying. Olweus says a person is being bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on part of one or more persons (1993).

You ask what you can do.

Remember when I made a point of saying you should talk with your son, not at him? Be clear and respectful. You might say, “I got a call from school today. Your teacher said you’ve been bullying others. What do you say about it?”

Understanding his point of view is important. Listen to hear, not to respond.

Once you have an idea of what he felt during the bullying incidents, you can begin to communicate friendship skills. Children respond better to being told what to do than what not to do. Saying “Don’t bully” is less effective than creating peer scenarios with your son, then helping him form respectful responses.

Guide him toward empathy and an awareness of how other children feel when hurt or name-called.

Finally, look inward. Do adults in your home mock others, tell mean-spirited jokes, or applaud aggression? Children truly do learn what they live.

Your parenting intervention is not a “one and done.” Check in on your son and monitor his behavior at home and school. If a consequence is assigned for behavior, explain it in advance; be consistent and fair. Reward positive change.

Stay connected in your son’s life. His self-worth will grow as you empower him to make good choices. He needs to know you’re with him. You’re his mom, no matter his behavior. Seeking the support of a counselor or therapist would back you up. May all go well.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.