Dec 18, 2023 3 min read

If you wait till 8 a.m. on Christmas Eve to hit the Dollar Store for last-minute gifts, this column isn’t for you. That’s because as of this morning, there are roughly 6.5 shopping days till Christmas — plenty of time to order gifts for those hard-to-please folks on your shopping list. As public service, I’m going to save you some time by making a few suggestions for off-the-wall gifts sure to bring a smile to the faces of recipients.

1. For Steelers fans, a Mike Tomlin Voodoo Doll. After the firing of offensive — and I do mean offensive — coordinator Matt Canada failed to fix problems with the tepid Steelers offense, calls for Tomlin’s dismissal grew exponentially. But even if you still believe in Santa, don’t expect a Christmas miracle. Coach T ain’t goin’ nowhere. So make your own Tomlin doll, add a few pins, wrap it up and give it to the Steelers fan in your family. But given the play of his team this season, Tomlin probably won’t even notice more stabbing pains. You’d best wait to see if the Steelers make the playoffs, then hurriedly make a doll in the image of whatever opposing quarterback(s) the Steelers will face. Alternative choice: Taylor Swift. OK, she’s not even a quarterback. But I’m sick of seeing her at Kansas City Chiefs games.

2. Any insomniacs on your gift list? Help them salvage those otherwise wasted hours of darkness with a Vampire Slaying Kit. The one that caught my eye came up for bids at Hansons Auctioneers in the U.K. Housed in a large, hollowed-out Bible, this authentic kit from the 19th century contains a variety of objects useful for sending vampires to a permanent grave. A tray under the first few pages of the Bible holds a pistol, a brass powder flask and a miniature telescope. Another compartment hides a small Bible, a crucifix, rosary beads, holy water, ecclesiastical candlesticks, a brass hammer and a wooden stake. In short, this kit is the perfect gift for the budding Van Helsing in your life. But, alas! This kit sold for $4,000. Don’t howl like a werewolf during a full moon, though. You can still find kits for anywhere from $48, on Etsy, to a handcrafted kit, on eBay, for $550 (with delivery by December 23)! NOTE: If you’re a fan of Charles Dickens’s “A Christmas Carol,” replace the wooden stake with a sprig of holly.

3. If you know someone who, like me, has returned to bed after having awoken in the middle of the night and found that two or three dogs have taken his place, consider this hot new item: the Human Dog Bed. As its description implies, this is a people-sized version of the bed your pup is supposed to sleep in. Available in various models starting around $100, these memory-foam-filled, plush-fabric-covered beds should make any recipient sit up and beg. Crawl in, and in a few minutes, your canine pals will settle in beside you. Then make a run for your own bed. This bed might even save your marriage! A 5-star review of the Plufl human dog bed offered on Amazon begins: “Bought this for the Wife.”