May 6, 2024 3 min read

I blame the eclipse for the collapse of this year’s Pittsburgh Pirates. After starting the season 5-0, the team as of last Thursday had a record of 14-18; 16 of those losses occurred after April 8, the day on which a dragon briefly swallowed the sun.

Sorry. I just finished watching “Shogun,” and I’m prone to spreading ancient Oriental ideas about eclipses. Everyone knows that, according to ancient Choctaw tradition, an eclipse is caused by the sun being gnawed on by a giant squirrel. I’m happy to report that our dog Riley, who can smell and hear a squirrel from a distance of at least 600 yards, chased said squirrel away. But Riley won’t be around in 2044 for the next eclipse that will be seen from the U.S. Prepare yourselves for extended darkness, brothers and sisters.

But now, back to baseball. The Pirates again smell vaguely of sausage that has been left too long at room temperature. Which gives me an idea: To salvage the 2024 season, let’s bring back the Green Weenie.

Those old enough to remember when Americans were sane might also recall that in 1966, then-Pirates broadcaster Bob Prince often evoked the power of the mystical Green Weenie against opposing teams. The weenie was a green plastic rattle in the shape of a hot dog. It had started life when trainer Danny Whelan had shouted, “You’re gonna walk him!” at a Houston Astros pitcher while waving a green rubber hot dog. The pitcher did, indeed, walk the batter and the Pirates won the game. Exactly why Whelan used a green rubber hotdog when perfectly good, only slightly moldy genuine hotdogs were being sold in the stadium, no one knows. But Prince, an inveterate showman, knew a gimmick when he heard one. Soon official Green Weenies were being sold to and brandished by Buccos fans at Forbes Field.

The talisman became so fabled that even Time magazine did a story on it in August 1966. “When the Pirates played the Giants two weeks ago,” the magazine reported, “Prince pointed a Weenie at pitcher Juan Marichal. Marichal won the game, 2-1, but the next day he caught the third finger of his pitching hand in a car door and missed two scheduled turns on the mound.”

Alas, the Weenie proved to be fickle: The Bucs finished 1966 three games out of first place after the Giants swept them in a three-game series to end the season. Prince revived the gimmick several times in subsequent seasons, but even with the Weenie, the Bucs couldn’t cut the mustard. But that doesn’t mean the 2024 team shouldn’t revive it.

Forget Bobbleheads: Start producing Green Weenies! Sew a Weenie patch on the shoulders of the Bucs uniforms! Following the lead of the “We Are Family” 1979 Pirates, paint a catchy slogan on the roof of the Buccos dugout at PNC Park: “We Are Weenies!”

Replace each foul pole at PNC Park with a 45-foot-tall Green Weenie. After having their giant ketchup bottles pulled from what is now Acrisure Stadium, the Kraft Heinz Co. – which owns the Oscar Meyer brand – might even pay for them!

In fact, I’ll bet they’d relish it!