Nov 30, 2023 By Mary Jo Podgurski 4 min read

Mary Jo Podgurski

Q. What do you do when coming home to your family makes your Thanksgiving break horrible? I’m in my sophomore year at college and I hate it. It’s not being at college I hate, it’s taking classes in things I don’t enjoy and knowing I’m going into debt without any idea of where my future is going.

I thought I was ready for college but I’m not. I entered undecided and we’re supposed to declare a major this year. I have no idea. My mom says I should teach. I shadowed a teacher a month ago. The whole time I thought how could I do this for the rest of my life? Kids are cute but I do not have the patience to teach them. I know there are other professions, but when I cycle through possibilities in my mind, I panic.

I wanted to tell my family this wasn’t for me last year but they were so excited to have a daughter in college I couldn’t bear hurting them. I made up my mind to tell them at break before I spend any more money. I told them. It did not go well. My mom and my grandma cried. My dad wouldn’t talk to me. My older brother kept telling me I was wasting an opportunity he never had.

I cried most of the way back to school. I want to join the military. College is not for me. Is it cowardly to send my family a text telling them I’ve made my decision? I tried telling them in person, but they did not hear me.

Mary Jo’s Response: The pressure to go to college can be challenging. I’m sorry you were not heard.

It sounds as if your family does love you and wants what is best for you. Your decision is your choice, however. You gave college a solid effort. I hope they will hear your words now.

One of the truths I’ve learned from serving young people for decades is the reality of 18-year-olds who are not prepared to make long-term choices about career. This is more common than we like to admit. Eighteen is young. Taking time to mature before committing to choices with expensive implications may be wise.

I typically believe sharing in person is a more respectful way to convey challenging news, but you tried to speak to your family over break. In this situation, while I still prefer in person communication, I do not think a text is cowardly. Be respectful. Follow up with a phone call.

I know adults who started college at non-traditional times and achieved great success. I did not start my own doctorate until my early 50s. I also know many adults without a college education who led fulfilling lives. Set short-term and long-term life goals and see them through. Finish this semester and do as well as you can; your grades reflect on your tenacity. Talk with your college adviser. Weigh the pros and cons of your decision.

I asked an alumnus to share her experience with you. I hope it is reassuring. Good luck.

Peer Educator Alumni Response: My situation was only a little different from yours. I knew college wasn’t for me. My family pushed a lot, especially my senior year, but I was determined. I enlisted and now I’m career Army. I received training in the military. I love my job. I met my husband while deployed and we have wonderful children together. Do I miss college in my life? Not even a tiny bit. It’s your life, not your family’s life.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.