Apr 4, 2024 4 min read

Q. I think my boyfriend is going to ask me to marry him after college graduation, which is in a couple of months. We’ve been together for three years. I remember you talking about relationships back in high school and I wonder if I’m too old to ask you how I can know if we’re really right for each other. You see, I am opposed to divorce. My parents split up when I was a kid. My mom left. I know the statistics. A lot of marriages end in divorce. I don’t want to be a statistic like my parents.

My mother showed up at high school graduation like I was supposed to forgive and forget. I try, but she’s the last person I will go to about this. My gram passed last year, or I would go to her. I don’t know any other older woman that I trust. See, I want a family some day and I do not ever want to put my kids through what I went through. What should I talk about with my boyfriend before I say yes? What do I need to know about us? About our relationship? I think we have a healthy relationship. We communicate well, we trust each other, we respect each other. Is that enough? – 22-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I’m honored you brought this to me. I think your questions and thoughts are wise. There are areas you and your boyfriend should discuss, but before I share them, please let me remind you of an important fact. You are not your mom. Yes, her leaving was hurtful, and yes, some marriages do end in divorce. Many do not. It sounds as if you are committed to a long-term, healthy relationship. You’re off to a good start.

I believe there are two areas prospective long-term, committed partners need to discuss: values and deal breakers.

When two people marry, they come from unique familial cultures. Adjusting to the idiosyncrasies and traditions of two cultures takes time and patience, but those traditions are not values. How people spend their leisure time, for example, is a tradition, not a value. One person may prefer the beach and the other the mountains. Compromise works well here.

Values are deeper than traditions. Talk about your moral compass, discuss right and wrong. Prioritize your relationship, your career and a possible family in order and share your thoughts. Belief systems or religions need to be discussed. I recommend a conversation about politics and ideology. It isn’t necessary to agree, but it is important to agree to disagree with respect.

Deal breakers are areas strong enough to call off a relationship. A major deal breaker may be starting a family. If one person lists having children as a “must have” and the other person prefers to remain childless, a potential deal breaker exists. Another deal breaker may be how each partner supports the other’s career. If you both want to start a family, how will you handle child care? Sharing household tasks can be a deal breaker as well, although the combination of respect and communication should ease you both into life’s changes.

Other areas that may not be deal breakers but should be discussed include how you will handle finances as a couple. Will you share accounts? How do you feel about extended family? What is your definition of cheating? How do you both handle anger and disappointment? Are you both accepted as your authentic selves? Is your love and support unconditional? It’s better to talk about these tough topics now.

I wish you long, fulfilling, happy years together.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.