Apr 18, 2024 3 min read

Q. 1: I liked your column about breakups, especially since I just went through one. I have a question for you. What kind of person breaks up a day before the other person’s birthday? We went out for six months. My gram said, “that’s nothing,” but six months was something to me and I thought it was something to him. The day before. I hate this. – 16-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: I think six months is important if it feels important to you. Your anger is justified. Breaking up the day before a big celebration, like Valentine’s Day or a birthday, is hard to take.

I’ve talked with teens about these kinds of breakups. One explanation I’ve heard is financial – breaking up before needing to purchase a present. In my opinion, that’s a red flag of an unhealthy relationship. Communication is key. If finances are challenging, a gift of time could be offered – walking a person’s dog, cleaning a car, cooking a meal. Creativity makes the best gifts.

High school relationships are often helpful in discovering what we like and do not like in a partner. If you think of this breakup from that perspective, it was a learning experience. It shouldn’t have happened to you, just the same.

Peer Educator Response: We’re not feeling especially kind about this. Breaking up before a birthday is immature and mean. Six months is long enough for a person to develop feelings for a partner and a little respect would have been nice. You’re better off without him.

Q. 2: Thanks for the thoughts about processing a breakup. What if I’m the person who wants to break up? This may sound like a stupid question, but is there a kind way to break up? – 17-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: That’s a good question, not stupid at all.

Breaking up can be tough, but I believe there are respectful, kind ways to do even challenging tasks.

Here are some hints:

Be honest but respectful. Avoid hurtful words. Share your reasons for the breakup with kindness.

Keep it private. Gossip is not mature and can cause harm. Keep your relationship decisions and challenges between the two of you.

Listen attentively, even if your partner is angry. Set boundaries (time limits, where/when you want to remain in contact if you do) but show empathy for your partner’s feelings.

If possible, remain friends. People often say they will hold onto friendships after a breakup and it doesn’t always work out, but, if both of you are willing, give it a try.

Try not to “burn bridges.” If you are kind and avoid harm, keep your breakup civil, and honor your ex’s worth as a person, you may be able to return to the friendship. If not, you’ll know you did your best to be kind.

Peer Educator Response: A few of us remained friends after a breakup. It takes a special bond to do that, but when it works, it’s usually because the person who broke it off did so with respect and kindness. Try to treat your partner as you would want to be treated.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.