Feb 29, 2024 4 min read

Q. I’m turning to you for parenting wisdom as I once turned to you for guidance as a teen! My little girl is 9 and she got her first sleepover invitation. Obviously, she wants to go, but I’m anxious. When I was a kid, everyone I knew went to sleepovers and no one seemed to worry about them. I know that my mom, who was a good mom, never cautioned me about anything. I’m worried because of my personal experience. When I was at a sleepover at a friend’s house when I was 12, my friend’s older brother touched me inappropriately in the middle of the night. My friend was asleep. I didn’t tell a single person. I thought it was my fault because I thought he was cute, and I laughed and played a game with him before bed. After counseling (as an adult), I realized I didn’t do anything wrong. I want to protect my daughter, but I don’t want to overprotect her. I want her to enjoy being a kid and do fun things with her friends. Am I over worried? – Anxious mom

Mary Jo’s Response: First, please let me reinforce the truth you discovered through counseling: what happened to you was not your fault. No matter if you laughed or even if you had flirted with your friend’s older brother, he did not have the right to touch you without your consent. I’m sorry this happened to you and glad you sought counseling to help you cope. Your anxiety for your daughter is a reaction to your experience when you were 12.

Sleepovers were popular when I was raising our children. I held many at our home. In fact, I preferred hosting them; I knew the boundaries I would reinforce. When our children went to other homes for sleepovers, I made sure I knew the family. I checked out the dynamics of siblings and adults.

My own mother inspired me to be cautious. I was only permitted access to a family when she’d vetted them. She taught me to be aware of my surroundings and to communicate with the mom in the home. I vividly remember a childhood sleepover at a distant cousin’s home during an out of state trip. Less than an hour after the sleepover began, my cousins began taunting me about a show that frightened me. I didn’t hesitate. I called my parents, and they picked me up. I remember feeling confident in their protection and at peace with my choice to leave.

Education matters. I wrote a book about child abuse prevention called “Inside Out: Your Body is Amazing Inside and Out and Belongs Only to You.” Your daughter is the perfect age to read it with you. The book’s goal is raising awareness without frightening a child. It discusses ownership of the body while explaining the difference between a surprise like a birthday party and a secret an adult tells a child must be kept. It’s available at http://bit.ly/InsideOutDrMaryJo.

Talk with your daughter’s friend’s parents and ease your worry about their ability to supervise the sleepover. Prepare your daughter by teaching her about her body and consent. Your communication should be affirming and matter of fact. She should know she can talk with you about anything; she should be told she can call you at any time from the sleepover. Articulate the obvious – you will protect her while she has fun.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.