Mar 21, 2024 4 min read

Q. I know your column is for teens, but I read it, and it helps me understand my 13-year-old. Maybe you can help me. She’s so different lately. She was such an easy-going child – few temper tantrums, even as a 2-year-old. Now, she’s hard to talk with. If I say, “Let’s talk,” she clams up. Her normal responses are “fine,” “I’m good” and “nothin’!” Where’s my little girl? – Frustrated parent

Mary Jo’s Response: She’s there – don’t fear. She’s just changing and growing and seeking independence. And, perhaps most importantly, she’s trying to figure herself out. Erik Erikson theorized the task for adolescence is identity vs. confusion. Teen years can be stressful. You’re her guide, her role model, her teacher, and her support. It’s your job to empower her to discover and own her self-worth. I’m glad you wrote.

Communicating with monosyllabic teens can be challenging. Here are some hints I find helpful:

Listen to more than words. Notice body language, pick up on non-verbal cues, hear what she’s really saying and observe how she’s acting within your family and with friends. When she speaks, don’t interrupt, even with a comment or thought. Reflect distress. “Oh, my, that must have been hard for you.”

Hold space with your teen. Be there. Hang around, read a book near her, and just sit, saying nothing. She may break the silence first, in time. Open up about your life. Drive time can be good connection time.

Speak with heart. Stay away from the words “let’s talk.” Avoid being pushy. If she complains about homework, instead of explaining (again, I’m sure) how much she needs to keep her grades up, say, “That sounds like a lot of work.” Show empathic awareness of her stress. When she laughs, join in.

Be available. Find time alone with her. Eat together. Schedule a “date” – special time where you focus only on her. Articulate the obvious – you love spending time with her.

Collaborate. If you’re troubled by her behavior, give her a chance, without interrupting, to explain things from her point of view. Then negotiate. Be strong in your values – you are her parent, not her friend – but offer her choices when possible.

Respect her. If you wouldn’t snarl to a co-worker, “Look at the mess in your office! You better clean that up before the end of the day,” you shouldn’t use such a tone for your teen. Tell her she is worthy by your actions and the music behind your words.

Accept her. Agree to disagree when it’s “small stuff.” She’s reaching for adulthood. She may like music, movies, clothes, or games you don’t like. Step back and evaluate. Is drawing a line in the sand between you and your daughter over this item worth it? Save confrontations for times when your values are questioned.

Be ready. If she makes the first move to talk, give her all your attention.

Believe in her and in yourself. No one knows her more than you. You can and will connect.

Apologize. If you make a mistake, say so. No parent is perfect. I think teens forgive easily when adults are honest and upfront.

As a mom myself, I remember watching my children as teens and feeling as if they were my babies, toddlers, and school age children only a moment ago. Be patient with her. She will be different as she matures, but modeling how to be a good human is your first job. She’ll get there. She’s still your girl, just not so little. Treasure this time. You’ll blink and she’ll be 18.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.