Mar 28, 2024 3 min read

Q. How do you deal with a breakup and process your emotions properly? – 17-year-old

Mary Jo’s Response: Break-ups can be difficult. You’re wise to consider processing emotions.

There’s no one way to deal with a broken relationship. Have you considered this unwanted change in your life a loss? It is. Many people only think of grieving from the death of a loved one, but the death of a relationship, whether it is a significant other or a dear friend, can cause grief.

How does one process emotions after a loss?

Some adults will diminish the loss of a relationship at your age, but I validate it. A breakup from a partner is not only an immediate loss signifying unwanted life change but is also the loss of the future you’d imagined with this person. Grief can be painful. Reminders of the relationship can cause unexpected emotions. Many people are hesitant to show how they feel unless they are in a safe space, so something as simple as going to school can be stressful.

When you’re ready, talk about it. Select trusted people – adults or friends – with whom to share your loss. Sadness is easier to bear when shared.

Make plans. Do something. Keeping busy doing something you love can take the edge off loneliness, and being alone is one of the losses of a relationship break up. Volunteer. Thinking of others can help with the sting of a breakup by providing you with distraction and motivation.

Self-reflect. Many young people like to journal, but any form of self-reflection will help you process your loss. It may help to record your thoughts daily and see your progression to feeling better. Meditation is not as difficult as it sounds. Centering your breathing – taking a breath in and then exhaling slowly while concentrating on the breath – can help you get started.

Develop perspective. Contrary to the love stories in the movies, most teen relationships are not long term. Think of failed relationships as learning experiences, where you “try out” the kind of person you want in a partner. Learn from this. A breakup may prepare you for something better.

Seek comfort. Watch a favorite movie, read a beloved book, exercise, go for a walk, write poetry, paint, crochet or knit, gather friends together, cook a familiar meal and share it – seek joy.

Don’t text your ex. Accepting the end of the relationship can help with grief.

Set boundaries. As you reflect, consider how much your relationship made you vulnerable. Did you establish guidelines for behavior early in the relationship? Was the relationship healthy? Were there red flags that you ignored? Liking or even loving someone does not guarantee a healthy relationship. Recognizing toxicity can help you avoid it in the future.

Realize it takes time to heal. Yes, you will move forward, but first you mourn.

Finally, remember you are worthy. You deserve a wonderful relationship with a person with whom you can communicate openly and share life. Be patient. Hold out for real connection.

Good luck.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.