May 16, 2024 3 min read

Q. I’m writing this to you on Mother’s Day because this day is so hard for me. Fifteen years ago, I was a pregnant 16-year-old. I remember telling you about the pregnancy before I even told my mom or my boyfriend. Then less than three weeks later I lost the baby. I remember your comfort. I also remember how cruel some people were – people in my family who should have known better. I was told, “It’s for the best, you shouldn’t have been pregnant anyway.” Someone I thought loved me said, “Good, best to get that mistake over with and get on with your life.” I thought my boyfriend loved me, but he walked away two months later. I’ve had therapy and it’s helped, I married a good man, and I know staying with my high school boyfriend would have been a mistake. Even though my husband and I have two healthy children, I feel like I still hurt over that miscarriage. I’ve not brought how I feel up with my therapist, although we did talk about the pregnancy and my family’s reactions. I’ve never shared how much it still hurts. Is it strange that it still hurts? Thank you. – Still hurting

Mary Jo’s Response: Mother’s Day can be painful for many people. Losses like yours can linger. Thank you for reaching out. It’s not strange at all to still hurt; your grief is real. You lost not only a pregnancy but also the dream of a baby, no matter your age at the time. Your feelings are valid. Both emotional and physical challenges are part of pregnancy loss.

Miscarriages (also called early pregnancy loss) are more common than many think. Most miscarriages occur when there is a pregnancy loss before 20 weeks. For women who know they’re pregnant, about 10 to 20 in 100 pregnancies (10 to 20%) end in miscarriage. Most miscarriages – 8 out of 10 (80%) – happen in the first trimester before the 12th week of pregnancy. Some research suggests more than 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage because the pregnancy may end before the person even knows they’re pregnant. Miscarriage in the second trimester (between 13 and 19 weeks) happens in 1 to 5 in 100 (1 to 5%) pregnancies. Pregnancy loss that happens after 20 weeks is called stillbirth.

I’ve been honored to serve pregnant and parenting teens since the 1970s. Sadly, I’ve heard stories like yours before. When a pregnancy is unplanned, and the mom is young, many adults have strong, judgmental opinions. Words can hurt and, in your situation, add to grief.

Yes, I think sharing your pain with your therapist is a good idea. Your therapeutic relationship is based on trust. You’ve shared the harsh words you endured – talking about the pain you still feel may ease it. Grief is deeply personal. A reminder like a holiday can cause painful memories to resurface. I find that most people also remember the due date of the lost pregnancy. I suggest self-care around that date if it is traumatic.

I’m thrilled you have a family to love and nurture. Losing a pregnancy is a very real grief and teen parents should be treated with respect and love. Their grief should be acknowledged and honored. I wish you joy.

Have a question? Send it to Dr. Mary Jo Podgurski’s email podmj@healthyteens.com.