Feb 19, 2024 3 min read

I gave up on my New Year’s Resolution just in time for Lent, but I refuse to give up on giving up. This year, I plan on abstaining from soda, snacking, and swearing. Whether I’ll make it to Easter or not is anyone’s guess. The Magic 8 Ball pointed to “Don’t count on it,” but it’s worth trying. You get closer to a goal by running toward it. Even if you collapse on the 30-yard line, huffing and puffing, you’re nearer the goal than you were.

Along with the three S’s, I have also vowed to not start another war. OK. The first war was a tiny one, but it was completely my fault.

In 2011, I was assigned to write an article for Peters Patch, a hyper-local news site about the comings and goings in Peters Township. Two of the neighborhood churches were having Friday night fish fries. I thought it would be fun to compare and contrast the church events. I called the article “Battle of the Fish Fry,” unaware that I was escalating the mounting friction between the two churches (I won’t name them here). I picked things I liked about both events. Both churches had a plethora of options on the menu for the kids, mac and cheese, pizza, and pierogies. They had their similarities and their differences. One church was more organized. They had a separate take-out line from the dine-in line to minimize traffic. The other church had bigger portions for the same price. The article went back and forth, mentioning the pluses and minuses of both. Because I titled the article, “Battle of the Fish Fry,” I felt obligated to announce a winner before the last line, and I did. That’s when I inadvertently became the Helen of Troy of Fish Fries.

Parishioners from both congregations stood up to defend the honor of their respective churches. One person stepped forward and addressed the long-line situation, claiming that I came right after work when the line was at its worst. Whereas I was at the other church later that same evening when there were fewer patrons.

Side note: I don’t know how he knew that, but he was right. I went to both fish fries on the same Friday. For the record, I didn’t eat two fish sandwiches and two orders of fries in the same evening. I took my mom and we split an order of fish and chips at both locations. I did, however, eat two orders of cole slaw and drank two pops, one Pepsi, and one Coke. Battle lines could have been drawn over the soda choices!

But I digress, like I do. The “Battle of the Fish Fry” escalated into a war. It was a war of words, and I took the most damage. There was a deluge of complaints (let’s not call it hate mail) from both congregations.

The article was meant to bring communities together. In a way, it did. Both churches now had a common enemy, me.