Annie’s Mailbox: Let teen grieve at her own pace
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Q. I am in middle school, and a girl on my softball team was the victim of a terrible incident. Her dad was killed in a car crash caused by a drunken driver. She has been heartbroken ever since.
I constantly wonder if I can do anything to help her. I hate it when people are sad. Should I do anything besides comfort her with words? Should I give her some kind of gift? Everyone else seems to be doing just that. Or should I just not do anything? – Bewildered Eighth Grader
A. You are a kind and sympathetic soul. Please don’t buy her a gift. It would seem like some kind of consolation prize and would not ease her pain. It’s important not to minimize her grief by trying to prevent her from being unhappy. She is going to be sad for a long time, and this is normal. Her family also is likely going through many adjustments.
Just let her know that you are sorry about her father, and if she wants to talk about anything, you will listen. If she confides in you, it’s OK to cry with her. She may behave differently for a while – she could be sad or angry, or want to be alone or surround herself with friends. Try to treat her as normally as possible. You don’t want her to feel as if people are overly focused on her grief. In time, she will learn to cope.
Q. My friends and I received a text message from “Carrie” inviting us to a birthday party that she is giving herself and asking us to bring a dish. That part was fine. But she added a P.S., saying she’d rather have money than presents so she can buy herself a bike. Carrie went into a long explanation about why she wants the bike and that she’d appreciate our contributions. Some of my friends think this is terrible. What do you think? – Still Carrie’s Friend
A. We are never in favor of invitations that dictate what gift people should buy. It removes all of the incentive to put effort into finding something that shows you are thinking of her. Instead, this party has turned into a fundraiser. It also means Carrie will know exactly what you spent on her, which can be embarrassing. Such a request is in poor taste, although we are certain some guests will be relieved that they don’t have to search for a thoughtful gift. Complying is up to individual guests. You are not obligated to contribute.