Nov 2, 2013 3 min read

Q. My wife died five years ago. Two years ago, I met “Lorna,” and I recently asked her to marry me. I feel strongly that personal assets that are brought into a marriage should be protected. I made this clear to Lorna early in our relationship and got the impression she would agree to a prenup.

I’ve been very successful financially. Lorna has few assets and a lot of debt. She says a prenuptial agreement makes her feel that our marriage is of a lesser quality than my first. I have tried to explain to her as gently as I can this isn’t the case. It took my first wife and me 20 years to acquire what we had. It would kill me to risk that and have to start over when I’m 60.

Is it right for Lorna to expect to be considered a financial equal immediately after marriage? Am I wrong to think it should take a reasonable amount of time for her to enjoy equal ownership?

After my wife passed away, I set up trusts for my kids in case something happened to me. Lorna fears the financial agreement will make my kids think less of her because her daughter isn’t entitled to the same share.

I truly believe this isn’t about the money. I think Lorna is concerned about how others, especially my children, will view our marriage. If I live long enough, Lorna’s teenage daughter will be given the same inheritance as my kids, but Lorna says that isn’t fair because she’ll be treating my children the same as hers from the start. I’ve told her that her daughter will have as much of my heart as my children, but the money is something else.

Am I treating this too much like a business transaction? – Frazzled in Phoenix

A. Absolutely not. Lorna’s fears are unfounded. A prenup is a sensible move when you are bringing considerable assets into a marriage, and there is no reason anyone other than your lawyer would know about it. Please take Lorna to see your attorney and set up an arrangement that she will agree to. Otherwise, we worry that it is indeed only about the money.

Q. Is there a polite way to refuse a friend’s request to share in the cost of a mutual friend’s gift?

Every time someone has a celebration where a gift is appropriate, “Ginny” always asks whether she can go in with me. Basically, she just wants to give me half of the cost so she doesn’t have to be inconvenienced by coming up with an idea, shopping for it, wrapping it, getting a card and then delivering it. I enjoy selecting special gifts with personal meaning for my friends. How do I tell Ginny that I am not her personal shopper? – Getting Annoyed

A. You could shop early and tell Ginny, “So sorry, but I already purchased my gift.” Or you could simply say, “I prefer to shop for something that has meaning for me, sorry.” If you can offer a suggestion of what she might purchase as a gift, that would be nice of you, but don’t allow her to talk you into shopping for it.