Sep 13, 2013 5 min read

Q. Years ago, Ann Landers printed a hilarious piece called “How To Give Your Cat a Pill.” I have two cats and can truly identify with the sentiment. Can you find the piece and put it in your column? – Condo Owner

A. With pleasure. The piece originally appeared in the Laguna Beach, Calif., Coastline NEWS and appeared in the Ann Landers column in 1999. And before we get any complaints from cat lovers, this is a piece of humor, not to be taken seriously.

How to Give Your Cat a Pill

by Bob Story

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth, and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. When cat opens up, pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat’s throat. Flick pill down ruler with forefinger, and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from living-room curtain valance.

Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth, and set aside for later gluing. Remove next pill from foil wrap.

Wrap cat in beach towel, and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with cat’s head visible under assistant’s armpit. Put pill in end of paper tube you’ve made for this purpose. Then, force cat’s mouth open with pencil, and blow.

Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant’s forearm, and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water.

Call 911, ask fire department to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine, and securely tie to leg of dining table. Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves. Force cat’s mouth open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in one ounce of raw hamburger, into cat’s mouth. Hold head vertically with nose pointed to ceiling, and pour one-half pint of water down cat’s throat, and two jiggers of whiskey down your own.

Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor administers anesthetic, stitches forearm and removes pill remnants from eye. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter, and adopt a goldfish.

Q. I’m only 12, but I love reading your column. Here’s my problem: My younger sisters and I don’t get along. Even when I try to be nice to them, they’re always being mean. We are each two years apart, but I feel weak and pathetic around them. Sometimes they side with each other and bully me. Every kind thing I do for them is unappreciated, and they make me so angry, I fight back. A lot of the time it becomes physical.

I don’t want to have a bad relationship with them, but I fear things will never change. – The Hated Older Sister

A. We think your siblings are too immature to understand the value of having a big sister who wants a closer relationship. Part of the reason they behave this way is to get a rise out of you and control your attention. Try to walk away from those engagements. Talk to your parents about mediating some of these fights. You also could discuss the problem with your school counselor. Remember, sisterhood is for the long haul. You may have to wait until your siblings are older before you can have the relationship you are hoping for, but if you are patient, it will happen.

Dear Annie: I would like to respond to “Trying To Get Granny To Shower.” All of the suggestions you offered were excellent. As an occupational therapist who works with hygiene issues with the elderly, I would add a few more.

A “tub transfer bench” allows Granny to back up to the bench, sit and, once safely seated, lift her legs into the tub. The benches are easily adjusted and can be used in the smallest of bathrooms. Another possibility is that Granny is having difficulty reaching herself to do proper toileting hygiene, in which case, a toilet wand will help. Both the wand and the bench can be purchased at medical supply stores or through catalogs that sell home personal care products.

Finally, a flexible shower hose enables the person to control the flow of water. This can be purchased at the above cited sources or at most big box discount department or hardware stores. – An OT in Louisville, Ky.

Email questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254