Nov 28, 2014 3 min read

Q. My husband and I have been caring for my grandmother for the past eight years. We both have full-time jobs and two young children. Grandma has dementia, and her health and cognition have been declining significantly in the past six months, with multiple hospitalizations for dehydration and infections. It has taken a toll on my husband and me to manage her care at home, and after this last hospitalization, our family decided to place her in a nursing home.

The problem is, Grandma has a longtime neighbor friend who is interfering with our decision to place her in a care home. In spite of knowing my grandmother for 40 years, she knows her only superficially. Now that Grandma is in a care facility, this neighbor and her daughter have become very intrusive and are demanding that Grandma return home under our care. We have tried to provide home care, but it’s too difficult at this point. The two of them also have tried to get sensitive health care information and have given the care home operator a lot of trouble.

We have told these neighbors to stop visiting Grandma and riling her up and to leave the care home operator alone since they cannot follow our request to respect my grandmother’s privacy. They think Grandma is fine because she tells them she is, but they don’t realize the extent of her dementia. What is the best way to handle this situation? – Stressed Caregiver in Hawaii

A. These people have no business interfering in Grandma’s care. They have no right to her medical information, and they should not be a party to your decisions. Tell the care facility to deal with them however they choose. They certainly aren’t the only ones to give them a hard time. If the neighbor should call you, tell her, “We appreciate your concern.” Then hang up. You owe her nothing.

Dear Annie: Can you print one more letter about kids in church and synagogues?

Many years ago, my then 2-year-old daughter would squirm off of her seat next to me and run up to the Bima (dais) at our synagogue and dance when the cantor sang. I would dash up and bring her back to the seats. One Friday evening, the rabbi smiled at both of us and said, “Leave her be. She wants to be close to the Torah (bible).” And so I sat down.

Thirty-three years later, that same daughter is the one teaching Torah, tutoring bar and bat mitzvah students, and leading services. The rabbi was right. Children should feel welcome at services. – M.

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