Jul 26, 2015 3 min read

Q. Last year, my husband told me that he was having an affair. I was shocked. All I knew was that he had been drinking excessively, and I was concerned.

He told me that the Other Woman “gets him” and that he is in love with her. She makes him feel young again. He was certain that I would let him go, but I refused to throw away 27 years and break up our family. I said I wanted to work on our marriage. For a while, he made a half-hearted attempt at counseling. Then, the Other Woman became stricken with guilt and decided she doesn’t want to be a home wrecker. She told him to give 100 percent to saving his marriage.

But I can tell he is still not really trying. I told him to leave and get counseling or not come back, so he stayed with a friend for a month and got counseling. He is back home now and acts like nothing happened, as if this devastating event that broke my heart never occurred.

I want him to make some kind of verbal commitment, saying he really wants to be married to me. But he won’t. Instead, he wants to see whether we can “reconnect.” He says he obviously couldn’t honor the commitment he made 27 years ago, and won’t make another until he’s sure.

This man has known me for 30 years, and we have three children. He either wants me or he doesn’t. My adult children have lost respect for him, my family hates him, his sisters are angry, and we haven’t told his poor mother because it would kill her.

I hope people realize the amount of pain they cause by believing a fling with a married person is fun. Even if we work things out, I will never feel the same way about him. I can forgive, but I will never forget. This waiting is torture. Should I leave? Am I kidding myself to think he really wants to be with me? – Brokenhearted

A. Your husband has not yet let go emotionally of the Other Woman. Right now, any words of commitment would be false. Some men eventually return to their wives completely, with gratitude that they didn’t abandon their marriages. But there are no guarantees. This is why counseling can be so helpful – for you. Are you better off with him, learning to trust again, or without him, finding a new path? Please talk to a professional and sort out what you need to do for yourself.

Dear Annie: Your readers who have given up a child in a “closed” adoption may want to know how remarkably easy it is for that child to find them via DNA results on Ancestry.com. All the child needs is the cooperation of a biological relative who has already built a family tree on the site and added their DNA results. The biological parents can be pinpointed within hours. – Amateur Genealogist

Dear Genealogist: This is true (although the child must be 18 or older or have a legal guardian). There are other sites that offer DNA matching, but Ancestry.com is probably the largest, which means the odds are pretty good that a relative’s DNA is already available through the site.