Mar 6, 2015 4 min read

Q. I graduated from college two years ago and have been working at my present job since. I am one of two women out of 30 employees in our department.

Recently, my immediate supervisor revealed to me a long string of emails written by a male co-worker and our female personnel supervisor, “Jane.” Apparently, the two had become romantically involved and were communicating via the company email. It is obvious that neither of the two understands the public nature of their communication. My supervisor came across their emails while searching for another work-related matter. He thought I should be aware of the personal comments Jane had made about me.

I had met Jane only once, at a company retreat. I recall some pleasant and polite conversation, but in her email, she commented that I seemed to be pompous and must have been “drunk or on drugs,” and that he should be careful around me. My supervisor felt such comments were inappropriate.

Since this came to light, I have considered a non-confrontational woman-to-woman talk with Jane, not only to ask her to make amends to me, but to let her know that she needs to be more discreet about her romantic communication. But I am also fed up with how our department is micromanaged by the home office and have considered quitting.

Should I make an appointment to see the HR manager at the home office? Should I ask my supervisor to handle it? I like my work, and I don’t think the culture of us-versus-them in a male-dominated company will change without full involvement. But I am afraid of being the lightning rod going forward. – Joanna

A. Speak to Jane privately. Tell her you have seen her correspondence. Let her know that using such channels for private communication is ill advised. Then tell her you are sorry she got the wrong impression at the retreat and ask how to improve things. Contacting HR is up to you. The company may be trying for more diversification but not making progress in your department yet. Do some research and figure out whether it’s worth it to you to rock the boat.

Dear Annie: I have a friend who dominates every conversation. Upon sitting down to eat, she immediately starts talking about whatever is on her mind and never pauses to let anyone else get a word in. She never asks how anyone else is doing. If not interrupted, she can go on for hours.

Ironically, she complains about how her sister talks on and on about herself. She can see these traits in her siblings, but doesn’t realize she is just as bad. Some days, I feel more like her unpaid therapist than a friend. Evenings out have become unpleasant to the point that we don’t socialize much anymore.

I have two other friends who behave in a similar manner. I notice that all three come from very large families, so I wonder whether that contributes to their need for attention. Still, we are in our 50s, and they should be more socially mature by now.

Don’t suggest confronting these people. They would be so offended, I would lose their friendship forever. I am not looking to change the relationships. I am writing because I wish each person reading this would ask themselves, “Could this be me?” When you sit down with people, ask how their day was. Listen intently until they are done. Don’t interrupt with something you “just have to” tell them. Maybe their conversation isn’t fascinating, but neither is yours. Everyone should be allowed to share and be heard. – Bored in the USA

Dear Bored: Amen. Some folks ramble on and on because they need to be the center of attention. Others have hearing problems and cannot clearly make out the conversation of others. Some fear they will forget what they intended to say if they don’t blurt it out immediately. We hope they appreciate your tolerance.

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