Sep 6, 2015 3 min read

Q. What are the signs of emotional abuse? I think my friend, “Charlotte,” is in a relationship with a man who is emotionally abusive.

When Charlotte and “Paul” started dating, he made lots of promises that he has not kept. He said he’d teach her how to drive, but he hasn’t. Her mom was always in charge of her financial stuff (she’s on disability), and when she and Paul got engaged, her mom wanted to discuss the finances with him. But they were married last month, and the talk never happened. Paul limits what Charlotte can spend her money on, saying they need to save for the new restaurant that he’s opening. Then he goes out and spends his money on video games.

Also, Charlotte told me that Paul restricts who she can see and how much time she can spend with them. He doesn’t like most of her family and will not let her see them, even when he’s not around. Last week, Charlotte and I went out for lunch and she forgot to tell him. He became angry because she didn’t inform him first.

What should I do? I care about her and think she deserves better than this man. But I don’t think she will listen to me. – Charlotte’s Friend

A. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org), signs of emotional abuse include calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you; refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive; trying to isolate you from family or friends; monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with; demanding to know where you are every minute; punishing you by withholding affection; threatening to hurt you; blaming you for the abuse; accusing you of cheating; attempting to control your appearance; telling you that you will never find anyone better. Abuse also includes controlling money.

We can see that Paul is isolating Charlotte, monitoring her whereabouts and controlling access to friends, family and money. Please try to maintain a relationship with her and make sure she has the number of the hotline at 800-799-SAFE.

Q. In the past month, I have had three surgeries and am now undergoing chemotherapy treatments.

I am appalled at the number of people who have never been to my home who now want to visit. Why do they think I can clean my house, get dressed, put on makeup, shop for refreshments and find the strength to chat for an hour? What can I say to these well-meaning acquaintances to discourage them without offending them? – Anonymous

A. Please understand that cleaning up, putting on makeup and buying refreshments are requirements that you are demanding of yourself. No one expects you to do these things. These people simply want to show that they care. So, all you need to say is, “That’s so kind of you, but I am simply not up to having company right now. Let’s reschedule when I’m feeling better.” And we hope you will be soon.