Attitude is everything
Q. I have Type 2 diabetes, and I went through a near-death experience this summer – with kidney failure, congestive heart failure and other problems. I had to have surgery. While I recovered in the hospital, my son brought me my laptop. I posted my story on Facebook.
While my other friends were offering messages of sympathy over my illness, my friend “Jill” was posting about an art show she was having. She paid no attention to my post. After a couple of weeks, I texted her husband, “Jack,” and asked whether Jill had seen my post. I repeated my whole story. He said that Jill was too busy to talk, that she had an upcoming art show and their son was getting married. After another couple of weeks, I texted, “How was the wedding?” I found that the wedding was not for another two weeks. Yet Jill has not said anything about my brush with death.
I still have a tiny amount of fluid in my pericardium, and my left ventricle is still enlarged. What happened in June could recur, and next time, I might not be so lucky. I recently read that when we are handed bad news that is too much for us to handle, our minds settle on lesser problems that we can focus our grief and anger on. This made a lot of sense to me. I cannot wrap my head around dying, so I can be angry with my self-absorbed friends.
But what should I do? Jill was a good friend. She may have a chip on her shoulder about having flunked grad school while some of us went on to have exciting tech jobs. She found her niche later in life, maybe in her 50s, and has fallen into a habit of dismissing those of us who are retired. – Miffed
A. Yes, you’re probably focusing so much on Jill because it’s easier to be angry at something tangible. You hit that square on the head. Then you went right back to resenting her.
You need to break this cycle of blame and judgment – not for Jill’s sake, but for your own. When recovering from surgery and battling chronic illness, attitude is everything. Start a gratitude journal, and list 10 things you’re grateful for every morning. Spend time with friends and family who make you feel loved.
Jill may come around eventually and apologize for not being there. She may not. Your mood can’t depend on it. Forgive her in your heart and free yourself to experience more joy. I wish you good health.
Dear Annie: A woman wrote to you asking for advice on how to deal with a husband who rarely showers or changes his clothes. You recommended that the wife (or a doctor) provide information that might get the husband to change his ways. You missed the mark. The wife needs to take an active approach.
With men (in general), actions speak much louder than words. Assuming that he does not sleep in his clothes, the wife needs to gather up his clothes once he has taken them off and put them in the wash. He will have no choice but to wear clean clothes every day.
Further, she should decline to be intimate with him unless he has showered that day. Finally, if their house layout allows, she should sleep in another room.
If she takes those three steps, she will both improve the quality of her life immediately and, I suspect, change his showering frequency in very short order.
Send questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.