Feb 16, 2016 3 min read

Q. My wife of 44 years and I have two adopted children. Our son was perfect – no trouble, a college diploma, a good job, etc. We bought him a car at 16, and another when he graduated college. We helped with the furniture for his first apartment. We loaned him the down payment on his house and he paid us back.

Our daughter, however, was a challenge. She abused drugs, had no interest in school, ran away, had multiple out-of-wedlock pregnancies, couldn’t hold a job and ended up in jail for shoplifting. Over the years, we spent thousands of dollars on counseling, purchased multiple apartments of furniture when she was trying to get re-established, and have given her a dozen cars so that she could get to her job interviews. Fortunately, she seems to have finally turned the corner and has been married several years to a guy who treats her and her children well.

In an effort to equalize the disproportional amount spent on the daughter, we specified in our will that our son would get 60 percent of our estate, putting 40 percent in a trust, so our daughter would get the interest and the rest would go to her children at her death. She still doesn’t work, and I am concerned that she would go through a lump sum inheritance in short order.

That split seemed reasonable when we made our wills 15 years ago, but my business has continued to grow and today that split would result in one child receiving $2.4 million more than the other. I don’t want a rift between siblings and I don’t particularly want to be remembered by one as a Grinch. Any suggestions on a split that is a little closer to fair? – Your Opinion Please

A. We know you spent more on your daughter, but children’s expenses rarely end up being equal, so the split now seems as though you are punishing her for past mistakes. And her money is in a trust, so it is essentially going to your grandchildren.

Too many people think of wills as a way to punish or reward their relatives. Please don’t. The amount is generous enough that neither child is going to suffer. We also recommend you discuss these things with your son and daughter in advance, so that there are no unpleasant surprises.

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