Wife’s sensitive subject needs to be addressed as soon as possible
Q. My wife and I have been married for a long time. In the last couple of years, she has developed an incontinence problem. She seems not to be aware of how bad it is. She leaves rather fragrant underwear in the hamper, and the odor is horrible. If I bring up the subject, she gets very angry. She is in denial.
I wish I could suggest to her what her options are, what products are available for this problem and to wash her underwear more thoroughly. The odor is so strong, guests coming into the house can smell it. Maybe she simply can’t tell how bad it is. What do you suggest I do? What do you suggest she do? This is a fairly urgent matter. Thank you. – Embarrassed
A. Your wife might be surprised to learn that incontinence affects more than 25 million people in the U.S., and most cases are treatable. There are different types of incontinence: Stress incontinence (leaking when you cough, sneeze, laugh); urge incontinence (a sudden need to use the bathroom, usually due to other conditions, such as an infection); overflow incontinence (the bladder doesn’t completely empty when you use the toilet); functional incontinence (wherein a physical or mental impairment creates a problem, such as severe arthritis that makes it difficult to unzip fast enough); or mixed incontinence (more than one type).
We know this is a sensitive subject, but you absolutely must speak to your wife about it. She would be mortified to realize that others notice the odor. She might be more willing to address it with her doctor if you tell her that incontinence can indicate a more serious underlying medical condition. And she might be reassured to know that she might be able to control the problem through medication and/or pelvic exercises. For information, you both can contact the National Association for Continence at nafc.org
Q. My wife and I are elderly and no longer enjoy things like fancy candies and fruit. We have tried to subtly let family and friends know this, but they persist, on frequent occasions, in sending us expensive edibles from elegant places, which we then regift to others. (This isn’t easy, as most of our friends are also elderly and won’t enjoy the epicurean treats.)
We feel that, to be polite, we must thank the givers. But the truth is, we would much prefer that they use the money to make a donation to charity. Is there a polite way for us to tell them this without appearing to be rude and ungrateful? – Anonymous
A. We suspect these people are trying to be kind and don’t know what else to get you. You must thank them for thinking of you. But when an occasion is coming up where you know they are likely to send you such things, inform them in advance that you no longer eat candy or fancy fruits. Say that you are making a concerted effort to do more good in your lives, and if they insist on honoring you, a gift to such-and-such charity would mean the world to you.
Dear Annie: I have a solution for “Guilty By Accusation” and other families who have members on medication. I put all medications in a lock box. I dole out the medication and the key stays with me. That way no one is set up to fail and no one can accuse others or be accused of taking the drugs. – D.
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