Dynamic between mom, future wife can be tricky
Q. I’d like to fix the relationship between my fiancee and my mother before things get out of hand.
My fiancee, “Beth,” fixates on instances where she feels my mother has slighted her. For example, Beth calls me by a shortened version of my name, a nickname my mother hates and has ranted on about. My mother has also raved about the many talents and successes of the friends I had in high school (a decade ago) while only complimenting Beth on how “cute” she is (something that annoys Beth to no end.)
I either don’t recognize these issues in the moment, or I’m not present when they happen. I have told my mother how much Beth means to me and asked her directly whether there is something she doesn’t like about her, but it’s made no difference. I can understand why Beth feels animosity from Mom.
How can I improve this relationship before it reaches a breaking point? – Stuck in the Middle
A. First we commend you for recognizing how damaging this dynamic is and making an effort to fix things. Your mother sounds jealous with her unflattering comparisons and subtle criticisms. But Beth seems insecure and overly focused on slights, intentional or not.
Please talk to them separately. Tell your mother firmly that she must accept your fiancee or she will be the one to lose out.
Explain that she raised you well, so she should trust your choice in a life partner. Add that getting along with Beth means having another person to love, and more access to you and future grandchildren.
Then speak to Beth. Tell her that Mom is anxious, and fearful that she is losing her son. She needs reassurance, tolerance and patience. Make sure Beth understands that you love Mom and aren’t going to cut ties. But if the two of them refuse to accept one another, there is nothing wrong with visiting Mom on your own and letting Beth stay home.
Dear Annie: A while back you had a letter from “Stuffy in the Suburbs,” who complained that her neighbor smoked on his back porch, and the smoke wafted into her bedroom. She liked to sleep with the windows open and her husband was allergic to the smoke.
A cheap, easy solution to the problem is to buy a window fan and direct the flow outward. There’s no incoming smoke, and you get a nice breeze along with some white noise to aid slumber. – Shreveport, La.
Dear Shreveport: We also recommended a fan, but we didn’t mention the added benefit of the white noise. Thanks for the helpful postscript.
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