Feb 3, 2017 3 min read

Q. One of my many disappointments is that I have limited communication with my son-in-law. I am a European woman who believes that when you enter a family through marriage, you act like a family member, not like a neighbor with whom one may talk only about the weather or gardening.

I don’t expect daily phone calls, but I believe that if I have concerns about my daughter’s health, I should be able to talk to my son-in-law. Unfortunately, that is not possible with my son-in-law, “Robert.”

Today, I stopped by their house to take their toddler for a walk, and I noticed that my daughter’s behavior was manic. I was concerned about her and the children. I called Robert’s office to talk about my daughter.

However, my son-in-law doesn’t believe that I have any right to ask or to talk about “his” family, so when I called, he was unpleasant and turned nasty. He told me that he would hang up because he knows a different story from his wife and that if I call again, that will be it. I asked him, “What will be it? What kind of husband and father are you if you don’t like to even talk about the family situation?” He hung up.

In the meantime, I had started having chest pains, and as I sat in my car gasping for air, I told myself it would be the last time I would subject myself to such disrespectful behavior.

My questions are:

• Is this acceptable behavior in American society?

• What is wrong with honest and direct communication with my son-in-law?

• When is the right time to get a third party involved to seek help if he isn’t receptive to my suggestions?

In my heart, I know that my son-in-law isn’t the nice guy others believe he is. He isn’t nice to me even though I spent a fortune to get him out of debt and set the family in a beautiful house after my husband passed away in 2012. Not every kindness is repaid with kindness; that is true. – Very Disappointed Mother-in-Law

A. No, your son-in-law’s standoffish attitude is not typical of American society; it’s just typical of jerks. In-law issues transcend all geographical and cultural boundaries, and as long as your daughter is married to this man, you’ll have to make the best of the situation.

For now, try to be cordial to your son-in-law and talk about neighborly things. In conversations with your daughter, do more listening than talking. Assure her that you love her and are there for her if she needs anything. Don’t criticize her, and especially don’t criticize her husband. That would only drive more of a wedge between you and her. You’ll be surprised by the growth you see when you pour some quiet, confident, unobtrusive love into your relationship with your daughter and her family.

That said, if you ever suspect that your son-in-law is physically abusive, call The National Domestic Violence Hotline immediately at 800-799-7233.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearanniecreators.com.