Peace of mind
Celeste Van Kirk/Observer-Reporter
In this file photo from 2016, Allison Barnhardt works at her job at RPM in Washington.
The Rev. Dr. L. Stephen Smith Jr. marries Allison Barnhardt and Jamie Davenport on Oct. 14, 2017.
Allison Barnhardt doesn’t think she can change your mind, and that’s OK. What’s important is that her mind is finally at peace.
“You can’t change anybody’s thinking but your own,” she said. “I still remember that confusion when I was younger – the fact that I had no resources, no one to talk to, no one to ask why I had these thoughts in my head and why they never went away. Here I am, I kind of came full circle. … I have a lot of peace now. I can go to sleep at night without the inner dialogue in my head running and running and running.”
The past two years have been a time of great change for Allison, with the culmination six weeks ago when she had sex-reassignment surgery.
“I found myself,” said Allison, 52. “I’ve grown a lot.”
When she looks back at her youth, Allison remembers “Jimmy” as a kid with an “underlying unhappiness.” A student in Trinity Area School District, he had a small group of friends but shied away from social interaction. Repulsed by his reflection, Jimmy “kept waiting to wake up a girl.”
James Barnhart before transitioning to Allison Barnhardt
Fast-forward to adulthood. Married to and divorced from two women – the first of whom accepted his penchant for dressing in women’s clothes – he struggled to make sense of his identity. It wasn’t until around 2014 that things began to come into focus.
“Everything started adding up,” Allison said in 2016, in an earlier interview with the Observer-Reporter. “I was reading stories of others and starting to see parallels with my own life.”
Working with a gender therapist to begin the transition to female, Allison started estrogen therapy in 2015, and then a testosterone blocker. She lost weight. Her proportions changed. Her upper body was weaker. Even her smell changed.
On Oct. 14, 2016, Allison changed her name from James. Soon after, she met, fell in love with and married Jamie Davenport.
“We would talk and kind of felt like we were on the same wavelength with each other, hitting on somewhat obscure subjects,” said Allison.
Their shared interests include shooting, hunting, restoring old radios, dining out and meeting with friends.
A Kentucky native, Jamie has been a human rights activist for more than 30 years.
“I see Allison making a lot of the same moves I made back then,” said Jamie. “I’ll just gently tell her, ‘Honey, don’t think there’s a mistake you make that I haven’t already made.'”
In First Presbyterian Church, Washington, with two guests as witnesses, they married on Oct. 14, 2017.
The couple interact as though they have been married for decades, interrupting each other to finish a shared story and boasting of the other’s achievements.
“We go out and do a lot of things together,” said Jamie. “We’re just a pair. Where we go, we normally go together.”
Wanting to make her transformation complete, Allison decided to have a vaginoplasty and breast augmentation. She relied on Jamie’s experience and her therapist’s guidance to make the momentous decision.
“It’s a lot to prepare for physically and mentally,” Allison said.
According to a 2017 study by the National Center for Biotechnology Information, of 1,684 patients who had male-to-female transgender surgery, 33 percent had complications, and 22 percent required a second operation for non-aesthetic reasons. Doctors and therapists also warn of post-procedure depression.
But Allison felt she was ready. In order to have the surgery covered by insurance, two letters were required from doctors verifying that she was mentally and physically capable of having the procedure.
In October, she traveled to Philadelphia and started pre-operative preparation. The procedure was done at Hahnemann University Hospital, where staff is trained to care for patients recovering from gender confirmation surgery.
After about six hours in surgery, during which she had the vaginoplasty and breast augmentation, Allison awoke and “felt like I had been hit by a truck.”
Although there has been pain and some difficulties, she is starting to feel better.
And mentally? “I’m thinking a lot clearer now. I’m able to concentrate a lot better. I have a lot of peace. A lot of it is transition-related. I also found a relationship,” she said. “I’m at peace and really feel comfortable.”
Allison embarked on her transformation knowing the potential difficulties extended beyond the physical and mental.
“Like I tell people, expect to lose your family, friends, job – everything you got,” said Jamie.
“I knew that going in, I could possibly lose everything,” replied Allison. “But I’ve gained some really good people along the way. It finally dawned on me who I was four years ago. I kind of reached a pinnacle of a journey – a journey that never ends. I lost people along way, but I’ve gained a lot of people.
“A lot of people look down on you being transgender, and think there’s something wrong with you. To be completely honest, the past four years, I’ve found more peace in life than I had in the previous 40-some years.”
Allison was interviewed by the Observer-Reporter two years ago and again, now, because she wants those who are struggling with their identity or sexuality to know that they are not alone.
“I want them to get out there. That’s my inspiration,” she said. “We’re out here living. You can, too.”
“I wanted to be married in a church,” said Jamie. “I said if we’re getting married, we’re getting married in a church.”