Talking with kids about Ukraine
Katherine Mansfield/Observer-Reporter
Katherine Mansfield/Observer-Reporter
A Ukrainian flag, alongside sunflowers, the Ukrainian national flower, are displayed in front of St. Peter and St. Paul Ukrainian Orthodox Church in Carnegie.
Courtesy of Allegheny Health Network
Dr. Anthony Mannarino, a child and adolescent psychologist who serves as chair of the Allegheny Health Network Psychiatry and Behavioral Health Institute and director of the Center for Traumatic Stress in Children and Adolescents, provides guidance for parents about talking with children about the war in Ukraine.
Images on television and social media of Russia’s invasion of Ukraine have shocked and outraged people around the world, and left the international community unsure about what will happen next.
Children, too, are feeling the stress and fear.
Mental health experts say it’s important for parents to talk to their children about the conflict between Russia and Ukraine because if they’re not getting information from trusted adults, they’re hearing about it elsewhere.
“Kids are going to hear about it, one way or another, at school with friends, or in the news, so I think it’s important to have a conversation with kids about it, and really try to share what facts we know,” said Dr. Anthony Mannarino, a child and adolescent psychologist who serves as chair of the Allegheny Health Network Psychiatry and Behavioral Health Institute and director of the Center for Traumatic Stress in Children and Adolescents.
Mannarino said conversations with children should aim to reassure them they are safe, while using age-appropriate language.
Young children, tweens and teenagers all share some of the same worries, he said – am I safe, are my parents and family safe, is this going to happen here, and how will this impact our lives – but the amount of information parents share will depend on the child.
“With really young kids, 4, 5, or 6 years of age, a parent may want to have a conversation that’s brief: there’s a problem in a place far, far away from where we are, and for them not to worry about it,” said Mannarino.
Parents can have more extended conversations with older kids and teens.
“Kids need information, but also reassurance that the people they care about and love are safe, and second, they need to know that a whole bunch of countries in the world are uniting to support Ukraine and end the conflict, to make sure the battle doesn’t go past Ukraine, and to keep the battle out of the United States,” said Mannarino.
For all ages, honesty matters, said Dr. Joann Jankoski, Associate Professor of Human Development and Family Studies at Penn State Fayette, Eberly Campus. If a child asks if you’re worried, it’s all right to say yes.
“As an adult, it hurts my heart, my soul, to see this human suffering. It’s OK to say, ‘This is a little scary, but we’re safe,'” said Jankoski.
It’s tempting to keep the TV on to stay up to date on the events of the war, but Mannarino and Jankoski say it could have a negative impact on kids.
Studies show that children who watched 9/11 coverage and other traumatic events had increased stress and anxiety.
Children absorb more information than we know, said Jankoski. Watching the footage of bombs, missiles, and tanks rolling along streets can be disturbing.
“We need to control and limit the flood of information. We need to limit social media,” said Jankoski.
That might include unplugging the TV for a while.
Jankoski and Mannarino said children take their cues on how to handle their emotions from their parents, so remaining calm and optimistic is essential.
“Kids learn by what their parents do as much as what they say, so if they see their parents being optimistic, and taking care of themselves, exercising and staying in a good routine, kids will do the same things,” said Mannarino.
It might also help for children to take action in order to feel like they are helping.
For example, doing a project or chores to raise money for charities supporting Ukraine helps kids make a difference, while at the same time “having our kids become part of the solution to spread peace and love,” said Jankoski.
It’s important, Jankoski said, to check in on children as the war continues, and to create a space that allows for listening. Turn off the TV and phone, and look at children eyeball to eyeball, she suggests.
“Even though we had a conversation one day, we can’t just let it go at that,” she said. “We don’t know how long this is going to go on, so we need to check in with our kids regularly.”
Mannarino acknowledged that the escalating war in Ukraine comes on the heels of the COVID-19 pandemic, and it’s been a stressful time for children. So it’s helpful, he said, to remind children about the good things happening in their lives, and to encourage them to be kids and have fun.
“I imagine kids are wondering, with all kinds of bad stuff happening, are we going to be OK? I encourage parents to recognize kids’ fears and remind them of all the positive things in their lives, and that their parents love them,” he said.
And, Mannarino said, let kids know that things will get better.
“The world has been through disasters for thousands of years,” he said. “While we’re going through this, hold on to things that are positive to get through every day.”