May 18, 2016 4 min read

We knew it was coming.

Once conservative lawmakers and governors in North Carolina and elsewhere started legislating who could use what public restrooms in a heavy-handed attempt to tamp down any recognition of transgender rights within their states’ borders, it was just a matter of time before lame-brained shenanigans ensued.

First, we saw the viral video of a woman who looked like she might be kin to infamous Kentucky court clerk Kim Davis parading through a Target store as a human bullhorn for her particular brand of zealotry, waving a Bible and hollering admonitions that included pointed references to “wickedness,” “the devil,” “abomination” and “the homosexual agenda,” not necessarily in that order. Target, to its credit, had responded to the North Carolina law by proclaiming that when transgender people are shopping in its stores, they should use the restroom or fitting room of the gender with which they identify.

And now, of course, we have the self-appointed “bathroom police” taking their duties very, very seriously across the nation.

For example, there’s the case of Aimee Toms. The 22-year-old woman – who has always been a woman – was wearing a T-shirt and a baseball cap in the women’s restroom of a Connecticut Walmart the other day when she apparently was mistaken for a transgender man by a woman who yelled, “You are not supposed to be here! You need to leave!” According to a report on Yahoo! News, the angry lady gave Toms a single-finger salute, told her she was disgusting and bolted from the bathroom.

Toms posted a video about her experience on Facebook, saying, “OK, I get it, the baseball cap, I was wearing just a plain blue T-shirt, she saw me from the back, OK. I can get why at first glance she would mistake me for somebody who’s transgender.”

Of course, as the Yahoo! story pointed out, if Toms were a transgender man who was born a woman, she would have been using the correct restroom, based on what “bathroom bill” supporters want.

Said Toms, “It really got my gears turning at how amazingly ridiculous this is becoming as an issue.”

But what can be done about women like Toms who perhaps aren’t doing their best to look suitably feminine, thus creating confusion for folks who still aren’t entirely sure who they’re supposed to hate and/or report to the authorities?

The National Bathroom Police Association has issued some suggestions to help ladies avoid misunderstandings:

• Tasteful but noticeable makeup should be worn at all times when in public (Poorly applied eye shadow or mascara will be considered a dead giveaway of transgender activity.)

• If, despite being a natural-born woman, you are not especially “va-va-voomy,” some type of surgical enhancement should be considered. (Your boyfriend or husband, whose wishes should be your commands, will no doubt approve.)

• Hair should always be worn at least shoulder length, and be a natural color as close as possible to the shade you had at birth. (Purple hair will lead to automatic exclusion from ladies rooms, just to be safe.)

• Women should wear at least three-inch heels. Inability to walk on high heels could subject one to a pelvic exam.

• If doubts remain, the “lady” in question may be asked to make a man a sandwich, sew a button on a shirt or perhaps mop and wax a small section of the bathroom floor as a test.

Were those last seven paragraphs ridiculous? Sure, but no more ridiculous than forcing a burly, 6-foot, bearded man to barge into a women’s restroom just because he was born with a girl’s “plumbing” years ago.