May 22, 2021 2 min read

After the passing of our sister, Joyce Ellis, we experienced the complexities of grief. Its manifestations vary widely from one individual to the next. This became painfully clear as I witnessed the various ways in which our family dealt with this loss. Some experts have theorized that there are distinct steps to the process, but the reality is that there is no linear way of mourning.

The most unanticipated stage of our grief was the loss of structure. Author Kenneth C. Haugk calls this the fog stage of grief. It’s what happens when grief gets so heavy that it surrounds us, clouds our minds, and interferes with our ability to think clearly.

We have never been a family that disagrees on even the small things, but this impaired concentration made it difficult for us to sort through our emotions and prioritize our next step. Just as we were beginning to navigate our lives out of this fog, social media changed everything. Within three days of her passing, three separate events were announced on Facebook. A GoFundMe, a Joyce Ellis Community Day and a Joyce Ellis T-shirt fundraiser.

What seemed like a compassionate approach had the potential to turn into a devastating reality for my family members because we weren’t notified beforehand. While it can feel proactive and an offering of support, it can also be experienced as intrusive and overwhelming by the siblings who haven’t had the opportunity to plan for future events.

You might think you’re doing a noble thing, but you might also upset a family member whose grief can manifest itself as anger toward anyone using the death of someone they loved to garner attention or plan public events without getting family approval.

It may be prudent to take a breath before deciding when and where it is appropriate to celebrate the death of anyone who has surviving siblings. The cardinal rule, regardless of how you celebrate, should always be, respect the family’s wishes.

Dean Ellis

Canonsburg